You'll Never Know...

You'll never know...
every moment of the wonderment that is a life- that you created- growing inside the womb.

You'll never know...
the anticipation of hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time and the joy that it brings.

You'll never know...
the anxiety-ridden moments of that first sonogram and the elation that it brought in knowing that we had a perfectly formed little being in there.

You'll never know...
the instant that precious little life became so real as you saw her moving & kicking on that screen, as you stared in awe at those precious little features that were her eyes, her nose, her mouth, her arms, her hands, her legs and how she had them crossed at the ankles, like a proper little lady, that would become her *signature* move.

You'll never know...
the relief as the tears streamed down your face and you thanked God- over and over again.

You'll never know...
being in that same awestruck wonder at every sonogram and everytime she suddenly sprang to life on that screen- as you saw her put her hand over her face, or spring her legs up, or stretch out just to curl back up again, to see her- seemingly- playing peek a boo with us.

You'll never know...
the excitement and fun of going through the store and selecting items for the baby registeries, knowing it will be your baby utilizing those items in just a few short months.

You'll never know...
how it feels to know this is the day you will find out- for certain- whether it's a boy or a girl and how exciting it is to finally know.

You'll never know...
what it feels like to put your hand on my belly and feel her kick and to know that is the precious little life that we- with God's hand- created.

You'll never know...
every moment along the way that you missed out on and will never, ever get back.

You'll never know...
the anxiety of every passing month- hoping and praying that she is growing well and perfect and healthy, and the mixed emotions of wanting her to just *be here* already, but also wanting her to wait so that she's ready and the world around her is ready for her.

You'll never know...
every prayer that went up, every tear that fell, every hope that was dashed, every stab of pain in my heart at the slow dawning of realization that you were not going to come through and be here for every step along the way.

You'll never know...
how much it hurt me to give that up and try to muster through without you to answer the *Daddy questions*, to explain time and time again that- no, you weren't involved nor would you be, to see the looks on people's faces, to have to leave half the paperwork empty because you weren't there, and to know that- someday- it will be even worse than all that when I have to try to explain to this precious little child why you weren't around for all of that.

You'll never know...
how this plagues me day and night and how I worry that- despite the unbelievable and unconditional amount of love and adoration and support this baby will receive from so many others, yours will be the one she misses and seeks the most.

You'll never know...
all of this and so, so much more... and that makes me very sad for you... because a path that God chose for you to go down and experience and be a part of, a blessing He tried to give to you, you'll never know...

Hodge Podge...

Just some hodge podge stuff... ;)

J-bug now weighs 9 oz!! She's growing very well and about the size of an avocado. Hmmm... new nickname? I think not. lol "My little peanut" is cute, but I draw the line at vegetables. ;)

I don't know what my weight is and I don't care. lol I'm being sensible, not indulging in lots of sweets or stuff that's bad for me. I did before, don't get me wrong. I went through a MAJOR ice cream phase. MAJOR. And of course the cereal phase, but that was mostly good for you kind of cereal so it's all good. Now I'm just being *normal*. I'm just making sure to get things balanced and make sure my little peanut keeps growing good and strong. :)

STILL looking for a job. Had an interview last week that I felt good about, but still waiting for them to make a decision on it. It would be part-time, but maybe just as well with all the Dr's appts during the day. I could have time in the afternoon for those then work something around that. We'll see. Did a one-day assignment today that basically paid me to sit and update my pregnancy journals, etc. lol Gotta love those. ;)

Ok, here it is... I keep getting these questions. Stats are good, glad to know J-bug is good, but how are YOU? I get it. I know. ;) Truth is, it's an easy question for me to avoid because I don't like the answers I have to give. I know the questions are asked out of love and concern and I do SO appreciate that, it's just hard to answer questions you don't have the answers to- you know? I can't say a standard pat "I'm fine" because I'd have to be living in a fantasy world to believe that answer and if I don't, then it's just a lie. But the truth is- most of the time I am. Really. My days have now become moments and that's a good sign, I think. :) It is hard for a person who analyzes, re-analyzes and OVER-analyzes EVERYthing to just accept that some things don't make ANY sense and that no matter how many times, ways, etc. you run it through your head- you're just NEVER going to make it make sense. It's a hard conclusion to draw and an even harder conclusion to accept. But it is what it is. To try and make it what it is not is just frustrating and leads nowhere. So I understand the questions, but the answer is always the same... no. Nothing. Nada. Zip. And that's a painful acceptance process. At the same time, I have such joy most of the time from this precious little J-bug the Lord has blessed me with that it is hard to be anything but that. :) And I have all of you- you amazing, wonderful, loving, supportive, incredible people that surround my life. :) I love you and appreciate you more than I can begin to tell you. You guys have just ROCKED me with your support through all of this and I am overwhelmed by your amazingness! And I thank God for each and every one of you who contribute so much and something so special and unique to my life. How blessed I truly am. So that one little rain cloud won't darken this sky for too long, I promise you. It's merely in glimpses... and then it passes and the sun is shining once again. So please, no worries... :) And yeah, less of *those* questions would be appreciated. Believe me- if something changes in that way, you will know. Otherwise, it's safe to assume that nothing has changed. Sad, but true.

much love & blessings always...
Melanie

*J-bug* is a...

Girl. :) 100% positively now.

Today was our level 2 sono to look for certain defects, etc. For those of you who know, my history with Kalann having "anencephaly" coupled with my age (yes, apparently I'm OLD! lol) and some other factors have put me in a "high-risk" category with this baby. I met with the Genetic Counselor first to go through all the risk factors given these statistics, family history, etc. She stated that she really wasn't worried too much about me or this pregnancy. Then we went into the sono. I met with one of the residents first who I liked very well. He was very thorough and explained as he went along, which I appreciate. Funny how the ones they consider the "specialists" hardly tell you anything when they're the ones you really are looking for the answers from. But I digress...

The "specialist" then came in and basically did the very same things the first Dr. had done. She measured a bunch of areas and was pretty intense on trying to see her feet straighten out. But J-bug would have none of that! lol She has now had her legs crossed at the ankles in EVERY sono we've had done. (I told Bri she's going to be a ballerina :)

At any rate, they were able to see everything else they needed to, except the heart as well as they would've hoped to. They said it is still a bit small at this stage to see it as well as they need to, but I will go back in a few weeks when they can see it better. They're looking for defects in the chambers because it is a sign of downs syndrome. Now comes the bad part of the appt...

The Dr. then, very matter-of-factly, tells me- "you tested positive for downs syndrome". I don't think I even reacted because she was so nonchalant about it, I think I was just shocked. Remember all the 2 tons of blood they took from me a couple weeks back? Yeah, from that apparently they got those results back. So guess what? Yep, back to the Genetic Counselor to discuss the "options" and "percentages". Thank God Faith was with me and had seen all the stuff prior so she kinda got a grasp on what this could mean. She had been very focused on eating the whole time and couldn't wait to get out of there so she could eat. Suddenly, she changed and was very concerned with me and how I was feeling. I honestly didn't know what to feel at that moment. But I was glad for the G/C as she explained it all in full detail and I felt a LOT better after leaving with her. She showed me all the percentages of everything they tested for and how they all were almost at 1%, which is good, so she wasn't concerned about those at all. She also showed me how I was at 80% risk and when all this figured into it, I jumped to 240%. That meant that every 1 in 240 pregnancies with exactly the same stats as me (same age, same kind of history, same genetics, etc.) will have a baby with downs syndrome. When she showed me the line was at 270% and that had I been below that, there wouldn't have been a "positive" reading, I was no longer concerned. If you're talking about on a scale from 1-270 and mine is 240, those are pretty good odds. ;)

My "options" were to have an amniocentesis to determine, positively, a yes or no. I declined. First, there is a 1 in 3 chance of miscarrying by having that test done. I don't like those odds- at all. Second, it wouldn't change anything for me. It's not like I would choose to do anything other than what I've always done and that is to carry the baby to term. So what is the point? I couldn't see it. The G/C felt I made the right choice and reiterated that she was totally not concerned, that the Dr's are just VERY conservative these days and were just being extra cautious. I can appreciate that.

Thankfully, when I told the Dr. I was supposed to be coming back in 2 days for an inner sono to determine the competence of my cervix, she went ahead and did it. Yay! Saved me another trip to the hospital- woo hoo! :) Cervix looked to be fine, she said. Plenty long and strong enough to hold throughout the pregnancy. The only concerned mentioned- once again- was the placenta being so low. But she said the same thing as the Dr. that first discovered it, in that it should have plenty of time to move up and out of a way.

SO... that's it for this time. It is now *official*... "J-bug" is a little "Jayleigh Sheree". Happiness! :) I have 2 girls happy about that, anyway. lol Faith is used to being the "Princess" and really doesn't appreciate the thought of having to share that title. ;)

Thanks for all your love & support!

be blessed...
Melanie & J-bug

Happy 7th Birthday, Kalann Joy! :)

For those of you who don't know, here is the story of our precious *baby butterfly*...

"You Have Touched So Many Hearts"

~ Kalann Joy ~

At the time of writing this (5/20/02), our family is in a very deep valley of emotion, grief, and- at the same time- hope. Five days ago at a routine sonogram, our baby- Kalann Joy was diagnosed (by my OB/GYN) as having "anencephaly". I looked at her with a blank look because I had never heard of this- to me it was just another medical term that I didn't understand. Unfortunately, in the days to come, I would learn all too well what it was. "Anencephaly" is a condition that basically means that when the baby is developing, at about 3-4 weeks after conception, the neural tube does not close as it should, therefore, the baby's brain does not fully develop.

There are a million ways to describe what I felt that day- disbelief, shock, grief, devastation, denial, hope.. and many more. We went to church that night because there was nowhere else I'd rather be than in the Lord's house. The baby and I got prayed over and anointed with oil and I prayed that at the sono the next day with the specialist, he would see that it wasn't true. Unfortunately, he saw the same thing, as did 3 others that viewed it. The worst was that we could see it, too. Now I wasn't just dealing with trusting what 1 Dr had diagnosed or 10 Dr's.. Jimmie and I could see that black, dark blankness above our baby's precious eyes where her little brain should be. It hit me like the world had just ended. I was devastated and began crying uncontrollably.

The day before, I had been so weakened by my emotions and Jimmie had been so strong for me- this day would be no different. I remember moments of feeling bad for him because I couldn't find it within me to be strong for him- if but for just a moment. The only time I saw him breakdown was when we told our 6-year old, Brianne, after the second sono. I had taken both of our girls out of school the day before to go see their little brother or sister on the screen. Instead of seeing the baby, they were sent out of the room and instead of being told what we were having, we were given a death sentence. It took everything within me to keep it from them 'til the next day when it was *confirmed*. Later that day we picked Brianne up from school a few minutes early to take her home and tell her. While we were at the school, we told the Principal so that they could be on the lookout for any changed behaviour at school. She said she would get the counselor to being grief counseling immediately if they noticed anything. At any rate, we brought Bri home and showed her the video of the baby's sono and then told her that the Dr's had said that the baby didn't have a brain and, therefore, she would die. Bri looked blank at first, but then it was like reality dawned and she- just like us- started trying to understand. She asked why Jesus couldn't just make her have a brain. I remember that question being the one that hit me the hardest because it was the same one that I had. How do you answer that? I told her all I knew to tell her.. I didn't know why. But even if she didn't have one on this earth, Jesus would give her one eventually and she would be perfect in heaven. Not that I believe that you need a brain in heaven, but it was what she could understand. On this earth, her baby sister could not live without a brain, but in heaven she would be able to live. I honestly don't remember all the other questions or comments that she made.. I just remember the look on her face, one that I will never forget. In her short little 6 years of life, I had never had to see that look. She was just as heartbroken as we were and it was so painful because we couldn't save her from that pain. Her Daddy absolutely fell apart at this point. To see his baby girl so torn up was too much for him to bear. We didn't even think to give her hope for a miracle or to have her pray at this point, we were just dealing with what we were told was *inevitable*. Some would question if we should've told her at all or if we should've- later- asked her to pray for a miracle. All I can say to those people is that I have always tried to be honest and upfront with my children and this wasn't the time to change that. My children understand and know that my faith and belief in God far surpasses anything that we experience on this earth and had I done any less than to have them hope and pray for a miracle, but to prepare for the worst.. I wouldn't have been true to myself or to them. They count on that from me.

Later that evening, after Faith returned from a choir competition, we told her. We also showed her the video first, we did this because we wanted the baby to be real to them- not just something in my tummy that they couldn't identify with. She cried alot, but she didn't ask questions much.. just said- over and over- how unfair it was. I had to agree. But how can we say it's not fair for us to experience this or feel the pain of losing a child when so many others have had to deal with this very same thing? What makes us so special that we should be excluded from such pain? If there's anything that I've learned in this life it's that it is NOT fair! There is no such thing as fairness. Why do some children grow up in normal, wonderful homes with great parents and other children are abused? Is that fair? What I've discovered- more than ever- is that it does no good to question why. We can ask why and I think God understands our need to question why, after all He created us.. but it doesn't mean we'll ever know why. And does it really matter to know why anyway? It won't change what is. Does the why of it really help diminish our pain? I don't think it would. *Faith* is believing when you have no reason to believe. I preach faith to my children and others, I even named my child Faith, but if I don't believe what I say I believe then my words are nothing more than lies. So I believe, I hope, I have faith. I pray for a miracle. I wake up in the middle of the night- numerous times- trying to believe that it's all a horrific dream and then it becomes real to me and I pray some more. I believe that Kalann's spirit communicates with me. She hadn't been very active at all until 2 days before the sono appt and she's been very active ever since. Coincidence? I don't think so. I felt that she was telling me something. Before I could even comprehend what the Dr was trying to get me to do by "inducing", I came home and collapsed on the bed in a heap of tears and she started moving and kicking within me. I felt like she was trying to plead with me not to *get rid of* her. Anyone who knows me knows that this would never be an option for me anyway. God put her within me and I'm her life-line right now. If God wants her, He will have to literally remove the breath from her because I refuse to. So we're in this for the long haul and, in the meantime, we'll pray furiously for a miracle. Noone can take that from me. And when it's all said and done, if God chooses not to heal her and she goes home to be with Him.. I will know that I've done all I could do.. and that's all I can do. We have alot of wonderful, loving supportive people around us.. family, friends, church family- they've all been so incredible. If you are any of them, thank you.. from the bottom of our hearts. It DOES ease some of the pain to know you are supporting us and praying for us. God, give us all strength....

Advice For A Friend...

I was asked for advice from a friend of mine today who was having trouble knowing which way to go in his life. He shall remain anonymous, but while I was responding to him, it occurred to me... how many of us have actually been in this man's shoes? How many of us have had this very same (or very close to it) situation? It's not that we don't KNOW the answer, but sometimes it helps for someone to gently nudge us in that direction- to help give us the courage or motivation or confirmation that we need to do it.

He currently has a girlfriend that is wanting to get married, but he doesn't want to because he's not in love with her. And despite the fact that she's a good, Godly woman and he cares about her greatly, he knows it would be wrong to marry her when he is still in love with his ex. The ex is not in love with him so she's not in the picture- truly- either. He doesn't want to hurt the girlfriend, obviously, so he's torn on what to do. Not really. In his heart, he knows what he needs to do. I just reminded him of that fact. ;) Here was my advice to him and a little of my own experience with those same situations...

HIM: "can you tell me what I should do? I just can't think. I'm so confused"

ME: "Yes, in this case, I can. You have to tell her and break it off. I know you don't want to hurt her, but you have to do this. It truly would be hurting her more in the long-run. I promise you. We always seem to think that the things that are temporal are less damaging- they are not. Trust me, I know of which I speak! Had I ended things- TRULY ended things- with my ex-boyfriend back when we broke up, I would not be sitting here today- pregnant and PRAYING that my child somehow does not have pain from this... a decision that I made to not break it off. Now other lives are and will be affected by my inability to do so.

If there is ANY good that can come from my situation (besides the obvious of the little blessing that I carry- smile), it would be that I could advise someone on a situation in their life that can learn from mine. You say she's a good woman? Then she deserves better. Not better than YOU, just better than someone *settling* to be with her. I'm sure you know in your heart this is true. She deserves to be with someone who will love her the way that she deserves to be loved. That was the one thing I told my ex-husband when I let him go. He was a good man to me and my children and he deserved to be loved the way he had loved me all those years. I could not be the one to do it, but someone else could. He now has found her and is happy. Your lady will find that, too, in time. And you will feel better that you did the right thing by allowing her to do that.

As far as the past thing- honey, I can identify with you on that one, too! I have three words for that one... LET-IT-GO. Seriously. Yes, I KNOW how hard that is- believe me! I live with that one EVERYDAY. But it's slowly but surely getting better. Let's do it together, ok? We'll help uphold each other and get us through each day of letting that person go. If they don't love you, they are NOT WORTHY OF YOUR LOVING THEM. Say it with me now! ;) In all seriousness, they aren't. YOU deserve better than that.

I hope this helps you. Yes, you have a hard chore ahead of you. It will hurt and it will hurt you to see her hurt, but it is necessary. Let me know how you're doing, ok?

be blessed, sweet man...
- Melanie"

HIM: "this is gonna be so hard. I'm going to be even more alone when she's gone, I'm not sure I can handle that. Has God sent me this good woman? Will I be alone until I give it to God?"

ME: "I can't answer that other stuff for you, sweetie. That's God's territory. And I don't dare tread in HIS territory. All I can say about that is you need to pray about it and earnestly seek God on it.

None of us like to be alone. It's not in us. We weren't created to be alone. If you think about it, there's a reason for that. The VERY FIRST MAN GOD CREATED- He said, it's not good that he should be alone. And that's why we're even here. That should tell you something. No, we were not meant to be alone. I have had this conversation with one of my girls SOOOOO many times. She just hates to be alone. She thinks she has to be doing something every single night, has to have people around. And I keep telling her- you HAVE to be okay with just being alone sometimes. I never thought in a million years that I would feel that way. I am SUCH a people person, such a romantic, and was with my husband for 15 years! And before that, I was NEVER alone. I've never lived on my own- EVER, before now. But I have learned that I am just not willing to compromise myself JUST to have someone around. Not for a moment, not for a night, not for day in and day out- period. I'm just not going to do it. I did that badly enough with this last situation that led me here! I have made a commitment to God and myself that I just refuse to break. It's not worth it. TRUST ME! It's SOOOO not worth the consequences.

Find things to do to keep you busy or spend time with friends and family, etc. My girls and my friends are my SAVING GRACE! Believe me... I would be SO lost without them!! And sometimes- when none of them are around or available and I have to be *alone*- it's okay. I'm okay with that. I have so much going on in my life right now that it's GOOD to have that time sometimes. Just to be alone and think or spend time with God or whatever. I do believe that God is bringing someone into my life eventually. I know He knows what I need and desire and that He wants that for me as well. But for now- I'm okay with the waiting. :)

My focus is on my precious little one right now and making sure I'm doing what's right by him/her and trying to get through these next several months, physically. Obviously, that's different than where your focus would be (wink), but you know what I mean. Relationships should just be the icing on the cake for us- they should not be what makes or breaks us. I am learning that one, too. I've spent SO much of my life with my focus being on MEN that it always just leads to heartbreak for me. Because I just revolve my whole life, my whole being around that person that I lose sight of everything and everyone else in my life who should be important to me. First of all- God. He HAS to take that place for us- otherwise, we lose. I'm not saying this has been your issue, I'm just saying it's been mine. ;)

Whatever the case, I am praying for you and I wish you only God's best.

be blessed...
Melanie "

Today's Visit

I know- I'm late on this one. But because of the 24 hour period thing, I couldn't go back to the hospital until 3:30 today and then I got home and was messing with the computer (some memory issue- who knows?) and then I was just tired so I took a nap. I didn't have a nap but just once once or twice while I was on va-ca the past 2 weeks so between that and all the running around the last few days, I'm just whooped! On to the appt...

Ok, here's where the medical community really frustrates me! Yesterday, they told me to come back today, bring my 24 hour *stuff*, get poked again for another test (the one I said they determined at the last minute yesterday) AND drink the yummy orange stuff in a bottle (not!) for the diabetes test. So considering they didn't give me the 24 hour thing until around 2:30pm and it was 3:30pm by the time I got home- would the logical conclusion NOT be that it would be past 12pm today when I took it back to the hospital?? Would you think they might- at that time- TELL me that they CLOSE on Fridays at 12pm? Ya', not so much! I was not a happy camper going all the way back to the hospital for the 2nd day in a row anyway (after being there for 5 hours yesterday and considering I am supposed to be at the point in this pregnancy where I only go once a month!), but was obviously willing to do it and get the stuff done. They just don't seem to think about people's time, having to pay for parking, gas, etc. It's frustrating!

So I was at least able to turn the 24 hour thing in, get poked for my other test (which took all of about 2 seconds and 1 itty tube of blood compared to the 8 big ones of yesterday) and turn in my pre-admin paperwork to the hospital so at least it wasn't a completely wasted trip. But they will just have to wait for me to do the diabetes test until I go back in 2 weeks. So there. lol

I have to say- as much as I DETEST needles and have to psyche myself out everytime I have to give blood or get a shot,etc.- these people really seem to know what they're doing. Both yesterday and today, it hurt very little. I was scared when she wanted to poke the same arm today as yesterday, but I also didn't want to have TWO sore arms as opposed to one so I let her. I typically bruise very badly just in general and very often where I get blood drawn from so I expected bruising today, but there was very little. And neither of them had to poke me more than once, which is odd for me. I have one major vein that they always want to hit, but I always tell them- I've been told it *rolls* so it LOOKS like it's an easy target, but it will fool you once you're in there! So they usually have to end up digging around for it, which is where my hate for the whole process comes in! That crap HURTS! And I nearly pass out everytime. So then they end up having to try and find another vein which is- apparently- easier said than done. Anywho- all that to say that these ladies are apparently very skilled at what they're doing and none of that was necessary. I'm assuming it must be that because I doubt my veins have just suddenly changed somehow after 39 years of life. ;)

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday... during the sono yesterday, the Dr. found a *mass* that appeared to be on the inside of my uterine wall. She concluded that it is *probably* a fibroid tumor and should be fine. Perhaps this is what's been causing the pain to my lower left side that I've mentioned. If not that, I don't know what it would be. Either way, she said we'd just "watch it and see what it does" over the next several months. She didn't seem to think it would be a problem nor do I. More of a problem might be the lack of water in there. J-bug needs room to swim! And right now, my water is just barely enough for her size. All my research showed that this week would show a growth spurt for her and it was right! My little *avocado* sized J-bug is filling out that space rather nicely now as opposed to 3 weeks ago. :) It also said I would have a growth spurt as well. Yeah- could've done without THAT one! lol

Guess that's it for now. Will keep you updated!

be blessed...

Melanie & my little *peanut*, J-bug ;)

The One You've Been Waiting For... ;)

Well, I think I can honestly say that today was the LONGEST Dr.’s appt. I have EVER been to in my LIFE!! They told me it would be long, but good grief! I got there at 10:00am and we didn’t leave there ‘til amost 3:00pm! So be prepared for a LOOOONG blog! lol

I am going through Baylor (where I had my last pregnancies) and today was the first time for me to go. I got registered in and all the “pre-admin” paperwork filled out, etc. While waiting for the actual appt.- Holly, Faith and I went downstairs to grab something to munch on and come back and wait. I forgot to look at the clock then, but I would guess it was about an hour from the time we got there that we were going into the room. My Dr. was busy with another sono so she sent in another Dr. that was just a joy- and was appropriately named “Joy”. :) She asked a TON of questions about my medical history (which is extensive) and then asked about the other side that I couldn’t answer. That has to be the most frustrating part. Anyway, I digress… I answered what I could and she moved on to the physical exam. I won’t go into details here (lol) other than to say that they did a typical “physical” and then the women’s exam and I’ll leave it at that. ;)

Then it was sono time… YAY!! Their equipment is SO much better and more advanced than that of the other 2 I’ve had so everything was MUCH larger- on the screen and in pics, as you will see. The girls, of course, just wanted to see one thing and I think they were both waiting with baited breath… but on opposing teams! LOL (Faith wanted a boy and Holly wanted a girl). The Dr., of course, had to give her little shpill about how- “I can’t be positive, but if I had to make an educated guess…”

Oh, did you want me to tell you what she guessed? LOL We determined that J-bug MUST be… wait for it… lol

.

.

.

.

.

.

A “little lady”… because in every sono thus far, she has had her legs crossed at the ankles! lol Which is absolutely adorable, as you can see in today’s sono pics. ;) Again- it isn’t 100% positive at this point, but pretty darn sure. That’s what Sheree and I guessed after the first one, too! :)

J-bug was more active than EVER today- too cute! She was moving CONSTANTLY! And I told the Dr.- well, I did have that sticky bun this morning… she’s probably on a sugar-high! lol So after Faith bursts into tears and determines that God does not love her after all (joke) and Holly and I practically dance around the room (another joke), they release us to go BACK to the waiting room to wait on labs. That took almost an hour because the system wasn’t working properly and inputting my extensive medical history, etc. Finally, about an hour later, I get called to go to the lab. My FAVORITE part! NOT!

They tested me for everything under the sun. Ugh! They took 8 tubes of blood and only stopped then because the needle came out of my arm and she asked if I wanted her to try and make due with what they’d already drawn or to try and re-stick me. Hmmm… let’s think about this, shall we? Uh- NO! lol I HATE needles. I mean HATE is really not even a strong enough word for my feelings about needles! I have not had NATURAL childbirths for nothing! I loathe them! So we compromised… I have to go back for even MORE tests tomorrow (having a high-risk pregnancy, I’ve determined, pretty well sucks! lol) and a diabetes test so I told her if they determined today’s blood was not enough to run the plethora of tests they need to run, she can stick me again tomorrow and get more. Aren’t I just the supreme negotiator?! lol Whatever the matter, she agreed so- works for me! ;)

So I am on a 24 hour collection period (I won’t tell you what and gross you out. lol) that I have to take back tomorrow for more testing. At that time, they will have to stick me again anyway for ANOTHER test they determined at the last minute they needed to run. I will also have to submit more hospital paperwork then. The fun has officially begun- woo hoo! lol

I have my next appt. in 2 weeks for an “internal” ultrasound to determine the need for a cerclage’. I discussed it with the Dr. today and my concern of the time running out for it. Normally, it would have been a month before I had to come back for another appt., but due to the time constraints on this procedure, I will go back then for them to measure the cervix (internally) and make the determination for the need for it at that time. If so, they will schedule the surgery immediately to go in and do that- before I hit the crucial 20 week mark. Like I said… having a high-risk pregnancy is really LOADS of fun! ;)

Ok, so that’s all that with my REGULAR Dr... NOW I get to ALSO go to the high-risk SPECIALIST Dr. Oh- YAY! lol I am going to be SOOOOO sick of hospitals and Dr.’s offices by the time this is over that I will be more than happy for them to remove my tubes when it’s all said and done! lol

So I guess that’s it for now. I’m SO excited to share these pics with you, as they are my favorites, thus far. :)

Thank you for all your concern, love and support. You guys are awesome and it means the world to me to know you care so much. :)

be blessed...

Melanie & the *little lady* (he he) J-bug

2nd SONOGRAM!

The second sonogram appt. was today and the Dr. said all looks well. Our little J-bug is a stubborn one, though. He/she kept *hiding* from us by putting his/her hand in front of his/her face so we never really got any good pics or visuals. And then he/she decided to pull the umbilical cord up between his or her legs so we FOR SURE couldn't tell what he or she was! That's my child alright! lol However... I have my first Dr.'s appt. tomorrow morning and will have another one then so maybe J-bug will be a little more cooperative for that one. ;)

The Dr. that was volunteering at the Resource Center today- get this- is actually over the Baylor that I will be going to so how cool is that? She made a quick call over and made sure they'd be doing the *works* (sono, full check-up, etc.). Good to *know* people in high places I guess. lol

Only *worry* she brought up was the distance between my placenta and my cervix. Right now, my placenta is covering my cervix which would mean- if I were at 28+ weeks at this time- I would for sure be having a c-section. I wasn't happy to hear that considering I've had ALL my children the *natural* way, thus far. I didn't really plan to change that this time around. :( BUT she said it still has plenty of time to move at this juncture so we will be praying that it does.

Regarding the cerclage', she said that the Dr. tomorrow should be able to more fully determine the need for that or not. I'm getting close to the point where I wouldn't be able to do it any longer so it's pretty imperative that they determine that quickly if it's going to need to be done and schedule the surgery for it pretty soon. I'm right at 17 weeks right now and they *like* to do them at 14-16 weeks, if possible. By 20 weeks, it's too late.

Oh my goodness!! Let's just say I could've TOTALLY done without the weighing thing today! Ugh! I go off on vacation for 2 weeks and 3 weeks later I weighed 10 lbs more! Good grief!! I was so proud because, thus far, I had only gained 3-5 lbs in 4 months! Then this!!! That's it- back to grilled chicken breasts, veggies & salad for this little one! With the dairy & fruits thrown in, of course. ;) (I blame Sus, it's her fault- with all that southern cooking and steak & potatoes, and... ;)

I guess that's about it. I will blog again tomorrow with the Dr.'s findings. :)

be blessed...
Melanie & the *shy* little J-bug (lol)s

No Rest For The Weary...

I awoke at 5am with two thoughts on my mind... 1) I'm STARVING and 2) I can't sleep. What caused me to be unable to sleep is wherein lies the story. Too many things on my mind, I guess- mostly thoughts of Tuesday (the sonogram appt) and what it holds, what it will mean. I have really tried not to worry about that and have really done well with that (for me)... until now. So by 6am, I was out of bed, with a bowl of cereal in hand and my laptop on my lap. I have been sleeping really well lately (again- for me) so this is unusual. For a person who typically sleeps a 4-6 hour night, 10 hours a night is like a dream come true! That has been the BEST part of this pregnancy! But this morning I guess my mind overtook my body and so, alas, here I am...

I suppose to understand the source of my worry, you'd have to know where I've been. The last sonogram I had was 7 years ago when I was pregnant with my precious "baby butterfly"- Kalann Joy. That day was supposed to be a joyous one for us. We had even removed our girls from school early to go with us to see if we (my ex-husband and I) were having a boy or a girl. We were all SO excited! Even though it was so long ago and so much has transpired since then, I can still remember that day so vividly. The look on the sonographer's face and just knowing. When she asked the girls to wait out in the hall while she went to get the Dr., I knew- something was horribly wrong. I had never had a problem in a pregnancy before- at least not anything of this magnitude so I didn't know WHAT it was, I just knew that it was really bad. And when the Dr. came in and confirmed what the sonographer had seen, my world collapsed. I remember the words "pregnancy is not 'viable'" and I remember thinking what the he** does that mean?? I'm sorry for the expletive, but in that moment- that's what I thought. I remember looking at her with fear in my eyes and my heart breaking as I heard her say words I had no clue of the meaning to- just knowing they were devastating to my world. I had known this Dr. for many years at this point, she had been with me through one pregnancy and my pre-cancerous "scare"- I knew her not to be a person who would overdramatize a situation. But there was no mistaking the look on her face or her next words... "your baby will not live, I'm sorry". I remember those words turning over and over again in my mind as they hit upon nothingness and I failed to absorb them. I remember saying "I don't understand" and I remember thinking "this can't be happening, I have never had a problem with a baby before". I must've spoken these words because I remember her explaining that it was a "fluke" thing and that "these things just sometimes happen". From there, I believe I went into shock because the next thing I remember is sitting at a restaurant with J and the girls and trying to pretend like everything was okay for the girls because we didn't want to tell them until we had another sono the next day. The Dr. recommended it as a confirmation because it was a highly diagnostic, special imaging, blah blah blah. They could see more, basically. But when we went for the "high tech" version of the sonogram, there was no mistaking that blank darkness above our precious baby's eyes where her brain should've been. Even to the untrained eye, that was evident. I remember them "giving us time" as we tried to process what was the inevitable loss of our baby- that was, in every other way, "perfect". I remember thinking- how can this be? How can I see this baby's heartbeat on the screen, see her moving like a normal baby, have all her limbs, her toes, her fingers- everything, and yet know she is going to die? It didn't make sense to me.

Then there was the barrage of "there are things we can do"... "options". "Options"? Options for what? Options that will make my baby live? No... there were none of those. This was a death sentence, no way out. There was nothing- short of a God-appointed miracle- that was going to make my baby live. So what were these "options"? I really was in too much shock to even absorb what they were suggesting. Of course, they put it in all kinds of medical terminology so that it wasn't the ugly truth, but I finally got what it was they were suggesting- abortion. They wanted me to abort my precious butterfly. I remember getting home and collapsing on the bed and dissolving into tears. I remember phone call after phone call from relatives and friends that had obviously been informed by J as to what was happening. I took none of them. I could not speak, I could not think, I could not function. I could only cry. And I remember laying there in my despair and thinking of everything we'd just been through and the Dr's words and "options" and I will never forget what happened next... she moved for the first time. Or, rather, I FELT her move for the first time. Two little kicks, that was all. But it was right as my mind passed over the word "options". And I remember the horror setting in as I fully absorbed what that meant and asking God to forgive me that I had not immediately refuted it. There was no way I would ever. When my Dr. brought it up again, I asked her- "what is making this baby live? If she cannot live outside of me without a brain, what is making her live now?" She said- basically- it was me. I said to her "so I am this baby's lifeline right now? Without me, she ceases to live?" She confirmed that was true. So I told her- "then there is no way that I will cease to be that. God is going to have to take the very breath from her and make her heart stop beating because I will not. That's not my job, it's His". And that was that.

I settled in for the long, hard next 3 months that would- in ways- feel like an eternity, and yet- go by in a whisper, in the blink of an eye. When it was all said and done, I would pray for just one more day of it, just one more day to have her back with me- safe inside my tummy where I knew she would continue to live. Even though it was a miserable pregnancy as I gained enormous amounts of water weight (a condition of anencephaly) and, by the end of it, my Dr. said I had enough water to be carrying triplets- I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. What Kalann did to my life, I could never measure nor fully explain. I prayed- and believed- for a miracle every single day and would not listen to any naysayers. I rebuked them. I found joy in every movement, every moment, every heartbeat. My faith was stronger than ever and she touched lives. I was in awe of it. For a baby that never even touched this earth, to see how she affected people and renewed their faith because of OUR journey- it was remarkable. Sometimes now, I wonder how my faith could've been so strong in such extreme times then and can falter so much over lesser things now. The only explanation that I had for it was- it's God. God gives us the measure of grace we need to handle each situation. In extreme ones- like this- it was an extreme measure of grace. I needed it- I would've died without it. And that's not to say there were times when I didn't wish that I could. Sometimes the pain became so real and so unbearable that I just wanted to go away, to not have to feel it anymore. The thought of being separated from my precious baby in the end was just too much for me. And then I would think of my other girls... still little at the time- just 5 & 10- and I would know that I had to go on for them. So I would somehow find the strength to make it through that day, and then the next, and the next, and so on. It was a long journey- a heartbreaking one, but one I would never have done without. It forever changed me. And- sometimes- I know the Lord knows I need just that moment back so he sends me a butterfly that crosses my path and makes me smile- just knowing...