You'll Never Know...

You'll never know...
every moment of the wonderment that is a life- that you created- growing inside the womb.

You'll never know...
the anticipation of hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time and the joy that it brings.

You'll never know...
the anxiety-ridden moments of that first sonogram and the elation that it brought in knowing that we had a perfectly formed little being in there.

You'll never know...
the instant that precious little life became so real as you saw her moving & kicking on that screen, as you stared in awe at those precious little features that were her eyes, her nose, her mouth, her arms, her hands, her legs and how she had them crossed at the ankles, like a proper little lady, that would become her *signature* move.

You'll never know...
the relief as the tears streamed down your face and you thanked God- over and over again.

You'll never know...
being in that same awestruck wonder at every sonogram and everytime she suddenly sprang to life on that screen- as you saw her put her hand over her face, or spring her legs up, or stretch out just to curl back up again, to see her- seemingly- playing peek a boo with us.

You'll never know...
the excitement and fun of going through the store and selecting items for the baby registeries, knowing it will be your baby utilizing those items in just a few short months.

You'll never know...
how it feels to know this is the day you will find out- for certain- whether it's a boy or a girl and how exciting it is to finally know.

You'll never know...
what it feels like to put your hand on my belly and feel her kick and to know that is the precious little life that we- with God's hand- created.

You'll never know...
every moment along the way that you missed out on and will never, ever get back.

You'll never know...
the anxiety of every passing month- hoping and praying that she is growing well and perfect and healthy, and the mixed emotions of wanting her to just *be here* already, but also wanting her to wait so that she's ready and the world around her is ready for her.

You'll never know...
every prayer that went up, every tear that fell, every hope that was dashed, every stab of pain in my heart at the slow dawning of realization that you were not going to come through and be here for every step along the way.

You'll never know...
how much it hurt me to give that up and try to muster through without you to answer the *Daddy questions*, to explain time and time again that- no, you weren't involved nor would you be, to see the looks on people's faces, to have to leave half the paperwork empty because you weren't there, and to know that- someday- it will be even worse than all that when I have to try to explain to this precious little child why you weren't around for all of that.

You'll never know...
how this plagues me day and night and how I worry that- despite the unbelievable and unconditional amount of love and adoration and support this baby will receive from so many others, yours will be the one she misses and seeks the most.

You'll never know...
all of this and so, so much more... and that makes me very sad for you... because a path that God chose for you to go down and experience and be a part of, a blessing He tried to give to you, you'll never know...

Hodge Podge...

Just some hodge podge stuff... ;)

J-bug now weighs 9 oz!! She's growing very well and about the size of an avocado. Hmmm... new nickname? I think not. lol "My little peanut" is cute, but I draw the line at vegetables. ;)

I don't know what my weight is and I don't care. lol I'm being sensible, not indulging in lots of sweets or stuff that's bad for me. I did before, don't get me wrong. I went through a MAJOR ice cream phase. MAJOR. And of course the cereal phase, but that was mostly good for you kind of cereal so it's all good. Now I'm just being *normal*. I'm just making sure to get things balanced and make sure my little peanut keeps growing good and strong. :)

STILL looking for a job. Had an interview last week that I felt good about, but still waiting for them to make a decision on it. It would be part-time, but maybe just as well with all the Dr's appts during the day. I could have time in the afternoon for those then work something around that. We'll see. Did a one-day assignment today that basically paid me to sit and update my pregnancy journals, etc. lol Gotta love those. ;)

Ok, here it is... I keep getting these questions. Stats are good, glad to know J-bug is good, but how are YOU? I get it. I know. ;) Truth is, it's an easy question for me to avoid because I don't like the answers I have to give. I know the questions are asked out of love and concern and I do SO appreciate that, it's just hard to answer questions you don't have the answers to- you know? I can't say a standard pat "I'm fine" because I'd have to be living in a fantasy world to believe that answer and if I don't, then it's just a lie. But the truth is- most of the time I am. Really. My days have now become moments and that's a good sign, I think. :) It is hard for a person who analyzes, re-analyzes and OVER-analyzes EVERYthing to just accept that some things don't make ANY sense and that no matter how many times, ways, etc. you run it through your head- you're just NEVER going to make it make sense. It's a hard conclusion to draw and an even harder conclusion to accept. But it is what it is. To try and make it what it is not is just frustrating and leads nowhere. So I understand the questions, but the answer is always the same... no. Nothing. Nada. Zip. And that's a painful acceptance process. At the same time, I have such joy most of the time from this precious little J-bug the Lord has blessed me with that it is hard to be anything but that. :) And I have all of you- you amazing, wonderful, loving, supportive, incredible people that surround my life. :) I love you and appreciate you more than I can begin to tell you. You guys have just ROCKED me with your support through all of this and I am overwhelmed by your amazingness! And I thank God for each and every one of you who contribute so much and something so special and unique to my life. How blessed I truly am. So that one little rain cloud won't darken this sky for too long, I promise you. It's merely in glimpses... and then it passes and the sun is shining once again. So please, no worries... :) And yeah, less of *those* questions would be appreciated. Believe me- if something changes in that way, you will know. Otherwise, it's safe to assume that nothing has changed. Sad, but true.

much love & blessings always...
Melanie

Today's Visit

I know- I'm late on this one. But because of the 24 hour period thing, I couldn't go back to the hospital until 3:30 today and then I got home and was messing with the computer (some memory issue- who knows?) and then I was just tired so I took a nap. I didn't have a nap but just once once or twice while I was on va-ca the past 2 weeks so between that and all the running around the last few days, I'm just whooped! On to the appt...

Ok, here's where the medical community really frustrates me! Yesterday, they told me to come back today, bring my 24 hour *stuff*, get poked again for another test (the one I said they determined at the last minute yesterday) AND drink the yummy orange stuff in a bottle (not!) for the diabetes test. So considering they didn't give me the 24 hour thing until around 2:30pm and it was 3:30pm by the time I got home- would the logical conclusion NOT be that it would be past 12pm today when I took it back to the hospital?? Would you think they might- at that time- TELL me that they CLOSE on Fridays at 12pm? Ya', not so much! I was not a happy camper going all the way back to the hospital for the 2nd day in a row anyway (after being there for 5 hours yesterday and considering I am supposed to be at the point in this pregnancy where I only go once a month!), but was obviously willing to do it and get the stuff done. They just don't seem to think about people's time, having to pay for parking, gas, etc. It's frustrating!

So I was at least able to turn the 24 hour thing in, get poked for my other test (which took all of about 2 seconds and 1 itty tube of blood compared to the 8 big ones of yesterday) and turn in my pre-admin paperwork to the hospital so at least it wasn't a completely wasted trip. But they will just have to wait for me to do the diabetes test until I go back in 2 weeks. So there. lol

I have to say- as much as I DETEST needles and have to psyche myself out everytime I have to give blood or get a shot,etc.- these people really seem to know what they're doing. Both yesterday and today, it hurt very little. I was scared when she wanted to poke the same arm today as yesterday, but I also didn't want to have TWO sore arms as opposed to one so I let her. I typically bruise very badly just in general and very often where I get blood drawn from so I expected bruising today, but there was very little. And neither of them had to poke me more than once, which is odd for me. I have one major vein that they always want to hit, but I always tell them- I've been told it *rolls* so it LOOKS like it's an easy target, but it will fool you once you're in there! So they usually have to end up digging around for it, which is where my hate for the whole process comes in! That crap HURTS! And I nearly pass out everytime. So then they end up having to try and find another vein which is- apparently- easier said than done. Anywho- all that to say that these ladies are apparently very skilled at what they're doing and none of that was necessary. I'm assuming it must be that because I doubt my veins have just suddenly changed somehow after 39 years of life. ;)

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday... during the sono yesterday, the Dr. found a *mass* that appeared to be on the inside of my uterine wall. She concluded that it is *probably* a fibroid tumor and should be fine. Perhaps this is what's been causing the pain to my lower left side that I've mentioned. If not that, I don't know what it would be. Either way, she said we'd just "watch it and see what it does" over the next several months. She didn't seem to think it would be a problem nor do I. More of a problem might be the lack of water in there. J-bug needs room to swim! And right now, my water is just barely enough for her size. All my research showed that this week would show a growth spurt for her and it was right! My little *avocado* sized J-bug is filling out that space rather nicely now as opposed to 3 weeks ago. :) It also said I would have a growth spurt as well. Yeah- could've done without THAT one! lol

Guess that's it for now. Will keep you updated!

be blessed...

Melanie & my little *peanut*, J-bug ;)

2nd SONOGRAM!

The second sonogram appt. was today and the Dr. said all looks well. Our little J-bug is a stubborn one, though. He/she kept *hiding* from us by putting his/her hand in front of his/her face so we never really got any good pics or visuals. And then he/she decided to pull the umbilical cord up between his or her legs so we FOR SURE couldn't tell what he or she was! That's my child alright! lol However... I have my first Dr.'s appt. tomorrow morning and will have another one then so maybe J-bug will be a little more cooperative for that one. ;)

The Dr. that was volunteering at the Resource Center today- get this- is actually over the Baylor that I will be going to so how cool is that? She made a quick call over and made sure they'd be doing the *works* (sono, full check-up, etc.). Good to *know* people in high places I guess. lol

Only *worry* she brought up was the distance between my placenta and my cervix. Right now, my placenta is covering my cervix which would mean- if I were at 28+ weeks at this time- I would for sure be having a c-section. I wasn't happy to hear that considering I've had ALL my children the *natural* way, thus far. I didn't really plan to change that this time around. :( BUT she said it still has plenty of time to move at this juncture so we will be praying that it does.

Regarding the cerclage', she said that the Dr. tomorrow should be able to more fully determine the need for that or not. I'm getting close to the point where I wouldn't be able to do it any longer so it's pretty imperative that they determine that quickly if it's going to need to be done and schedule the surgery for it pretty soon. I'm right at 17 weeks right now and they *like* to do them at 14-16 weeks, if possible. By 20 weeks, it's too late.

Oh my goodness!! Let's just say I could've TOTALLY done without the weighing thing today! Ugh! I go off on vacation for 2 weeks and 3 weeks later I weighed 10 lbs more! Good grief!! I was so proud because, thus far, I had only gained 3-5 lbs in 4 months! Then this!!! That's it- back to grilled chicken breasts, veggies & salad for this little one! With the dairy & fruits thrown in, of course. ;) (I blame Sus, it's her fault- with all that southern cooking and steak & potatoes, and... ;)

I guess that's about it. I will blog again tomorrow with the Dr.'s findings. :)

be blessed...
Melanie & the *shy* little J-bug (lol)s