"You Have Touched So Many Hearts"
~ Kalann Joy ~
~ Kalann Joy ~
At the time of writing this (5/20/02), our family is in a very deep valley of emotion, grief, and- at the same time- hope. Five days ago at a routine sonogram, our baby- Kalann Joy was diagnosed (by my OB/GYN) as having "anencephaly". I looked at her with a blank look because I had never heard of this- to me it was just another medical term that I didn't understand. Unfortunately, in the days to come, I would learn all too well what it was. "Anencephaly" is a condition that basically means that when the baby is developing, at about 3-4 weeks after conception, the neural tube does not close as it should, therefore, the baby's brain does not fully develop.
There are a million ways to describe what I felt that day- disbelief, shock, grief, devastation, denial, hope.. and many more. We went to church that night because there was nowhere else I'd rather be than in the Lord's house. The baby and I got prayed over and anointed with oil and I prayed that at the sono the next day with the specialist, he would see that it wasn't true. Unfortunately, he saw the same thing, as did 3 others that viewed it. The worst was that we could see it, too. Now I wasn't just dealing with trusting what 1 Dr had diagnosed or 10 Dr's.. Jimmie and I could see that black, dark blankness above our baby's precious eyes where her little brain should be. It hit me like the world had just ended. I was devastated and began crying uncontrollably.
The day before, I had been so weakened by my emotions and Jimmie had been so strong for me- this day would be no different. I remember moments of feeling bad for him because I couldn't find it within me to be strong for him- if but for just a moment. The only time I saw him breakdown was when we told our 6-year old, Brianne, after the second sono. I had taken both of our girls out of school the day before to go see their little brother or sister on the screen. Instead of seeing the baby, they were sent out of the room and instead of being told what we were having, we were given a death sentence. It took everything within me to keep it from them 'til the next day when it was *confirmed*. Later that day we picked Brianne up from school a few minutes early to take her home and tell her. While we were at the school, we told the Principal so that they could be on the lookout for any changed behaviour at school. She said she would get the counselor to being grief counseling immediately if they noticed anything. At any rate, we brought Bri home and showed her the video of the baby's sono and then told her that the Dr's had said that the baby didn't have a brain and, therefore, she would die. Bri looked blank at first, but then it was like reality dawned and she- just like us- started trying to understand. She asked why Jesus couldn't just make her have a brain. I remember that question being the one that hit me the hardest because it was the same one that I had. How do you answer that? I told her all I knew to tell her.. I didn't know why. But even if she didn't have one on this earth, Jesus would give her one eventually and she would be perfect in heaven. Not that I believe that you need a brain in heaven, but it was what she could understand. On this earth, her baby sister could not live without a brain, but in heaven she would be able to live. I honestly don't remember all the other questions or comments that she made.. I just remember the look on her face, one that I will never forget. In her short little 6 years of life, I had never had to see that look. She was just as heartbroken as we were and it was so painful because we couldn't save her from that pain. Her Daddy absolutely fell apart at this point. To see his baby girl so torn up was too much for him to bear. We didn't even think to give her hope for a miracle or to have her pray at this point, we were just dealing with what we were told was *inevitable*. Some would question if we should've told her at all or if we should've- later- asked her to pray for a miracle. All I can say to those people is that I have always tried to be honest and upfront with my children and this wasn't the time to change that. My children understand and know that my faith and belief in God far surpasses anything that we experience on this earth and had I done any less than to have them hope and pray for a miracle, but to prepare for the worst.. I wouldn't have been true to myself or to them. They count on that from me.
Later that evening, after Faith returned from a choir competition, we told her. We also showed her the video first, we did this because we wanted the baby to be real to them- not just something in my tummy that they couldn't identify with. She cried alot, but she didn't ask questions much.. just said- over and over- how unfair it was. I had to agree. But how can we say it's not fair for us to experience this or feel the pain of losing a child when so many others have had to deal with this very same thing? What makes us so special that we should be excluded from such pain? If there's anything that I've learned in this life it's that it is NOT fair! There is no such thing as fairness. Why do some children grow up in normal, wonderful homes with great parents and other children are abused? Is that fair? What I've discovered- more than ever- is that it does no good to question why. We can ask why and I think God understands our need to question why, after all He created us.. but it doesn't mean we'll ever know why. And does it really matter to know why anyway? It won't change what is. Does the why of it really help diminish our pain? I don't think it would. *Faith* is believing when you have no reason to believe. I preach faith to my children and others, I even named my child Faith, but if I don't believe what I say I believe then my words are nothing more than lies. So I believe, I hope, I have faith. I pray for a miracle. I wake up in the middle of the night- numerous times- trying to believe that it's all a horrific dream and then it becomes real to me and I pray some more. I believe that Kalann's spirit communicates with me. She hadn't been very active at all until 2 days before the sono appt and she's been very active ever since. Coincidence? I don't think so. I felt that she was telling me something. Before I could even comprehend what the Dr was trying to get me to do by "inducing", I came home and collapsed on the bed in a heap of tears and she started moving and kicking within me. I felt like she was trying to plead with me not to *get rid of* her. Anyone who knows me knows that this would never be an option for me anyway. God put her within me and I'm her life-line right now. If God wants her, He will have to literally remove the breath from her because I refuse to. So we're in this for the long haul and, in the meantime, we'll pray furiously for a miracle. Noone can take that from me. And when it's all said and done, if God chooses not to heal her and she goes home to be with Him.. I will know that I've done all I could do.. and that's all I can do. We have alot of wonderful, loving supportive people around us.. family, friends, church family- they've all been so incredible. If you are any of them, thank you.. from the bottom of our hearts. It DOES ease some of the pain to know you are supporting us and praying for us. God, give us all strength....
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