Happy 7th Birthday, Kalann Joy! :)

For those of you who don't know, here is the story of our precious *baby butterfly*...

"You Have Touched So Many Hearts"

~ Kalann Joy ~

At the time of writing this (5/20/02), our family is in a very deep valley of emotion, grief, and- at the same time- hope. Five days ago at a routine sonogram, our baby- Kalann Joy was diagnosed (by my OB/GYN) as having "anencephaly". I looked at her with a blank look because I had never heard of this- to me it was just another medical term that I didn't understand. Unfortunately, in the days to come, I would learn all too well what it was. "Anencephaly" is a condition that basically means that when the baby is developing, at about 3-4 weeks after conception, the neural tube does not close as it should, therefore, the baby's brain does not fully develop.

There are a million ways to describe what I felt that day- disbelief, shock, grief, devastation, denial, hope.. and many more. We went to church that night because there was nowhere else I'd rather be than in the Lord's house. The baby and I got prayed over and anointed with oil and I prayed that at the sono the next day with the specialist, he would see that it wasn't true. Unfortunately, he saw the same thing, as did 3 others that viewed it. The worst was that we could see it, too. Now I wasn't just dealing with trusting what 1 Dr had diagnosed or 10 Dr's.. Jimmie and I could see that black, dark blankness above our baby's precious eyes where her little brain should be. It hit me like the world had just ended. I was devastated and began crying uncontrollably.

The day before, I had been so weakened by my emotions and Jimmie had been so strong for me- this day would be no different. I remember moments of feeling bad for him because I couldn't find it within me to be strong for him- if but for just a moment. The only time I saw him breakdown was when we told our 6-year old, Brianne, after the second sono. I had taken both of our girls out of school the day before to go see their little brother or sister on the screen. Instead of seeing the baby, they were sent out of the room and instead of being told what we were having, we were given a death sentence. It took everything within me to keep it from them 'til the next day when it was *confirmed*. Later that day we picked Brianne up from school a few minutes early to take her home and tell her. While we were at the school, we told the Principal so that they could be on the lookout for any changed behaviour at school. She said she would get the counselor to being grief counseling immediately if they noticed anything. At any rate, we brought Bri home and showed her the video of the baby's sono and then told her that the Dr's had said that the baby didn't have a brain and, therefore, she would die. Bri looked blank at first, but then it was like reality dawned and she- just like us- started trying to understand. She asked why Jesus couldn't just make her have a brain. I remember that question being the one that hit me the hardest because it was the same one that I had. How do you answer that? I told her all I knew to tell her.. I didn't know why. But even if she didn't have one on this earth, Jesus would give her one eventually and she would be perfect in heaven. Not that I believe that you need a brain in heaven, but it was what she could understand. On this earth, her baby sister could not live without a brain, but in heaven she would be able to live. I honestly don't remember all the other questions or comments that she made.. I just remember the look on her face, one that I will never forget. In her short little 6 years of life, I had never had to see that look. She was just as heartbroken as we were and it was so painful because we couldn't save her from that pain. Her Daddy absolutely fell apart at this point. To see his baby girl so torn up was too much for him to bear. We didn't even think to give her hope for a miracle or to have her pray at this point, we were just dealing with what we were told was *inevitable*. Some would question if we should've told her at all or if we should've- later- asked her to pray for a miracle. All I can say to those people is that I have always tried to be honest and upfront with my children and this wasn't the time to change that. My children understand and know that my faith and belief in God far surpasses anything that we experience on this earth and had I done any less than to have them hope and pray for a miracle, but to prepare for the worst.. I wouldn't have been true to myself or to them. They count on that from me.

Later that evening, after Faith returned from a choir competition, we told her. We also showed her the video first, we did this because we wanted the baby to be real to them- not just something in my tummy that they couldn't identify with. She cried alot, but she didn't ask questions much.. just said- over and over- how unfair it was. I had to agree. But how can we say it's not fair for us to experience this or feel the pain of losing a child when so many others have had to deal with this very same thing? What makes us so special that we should be excluded from such pain? If there's anything that I've learned in this life it's that it is NOT fair! There is no such thing as fairness. Why do some children grow up in normal, wonderful homes with great parents and other children are abused? Is that fair? What I've discovered- more than ever- is that it does no good to question why. We can ask why and I think God understands our need to question why, after all He created us.. but it doesn't mean we'll ever know why. And does it really matter to know why anyway? It won't change what is. Does the why of it really help diminish our pain? I don't think it would. *Faith* is believing when you have no reason to believe. I preach faith to my children and others, I even named my child Faith, but if I don't believe what I say I believe then my words are nothing more than lies. So I believe, I hope, I have faith. I pray for a miracle. I wake up in the middle of the night- numerous times- trying to believe that it's all a horrific dream and then it becomes real to me and I pray some more. I believe that Kalann's spirit communicates with me. She hadn't been very active at all until 2 days before the sono appt and she's been very active ever since. Coincidence? I don't think so. I felt that she was telling me something. Before I could even comprehend what the Dr was trying to get me to do by "inducing", I came home and collapsed on the bed in a heap of tears and she started moving and kicking within me. I felt like she was trying to plead with me not to *get rid of* her. Anyone who knows me knows that this would never be an option for me anyway. God put her within me and I'm her life-line right now. If God wants her, He will have to literally remove the breath from her because I refuse to. So we're in this for the long haul and, in the meantime, we'll pray furiously for a miracle. Noone can take that from me. And when it's all said and done, if God chooses not to heal her and she goes home to be with Him.. I will know that I've done all I could do.. and that's all I can do. We have alot of wonderful, loving supportive people around us.. family, friends, church family- they've all been so incredible. If you are any of them, thank you.. from the bottom of our hearts. It DOES ease some of the pain to know you are supporting us and praying for us. God, give us all strength....

Fibroid Tumors & Pregnancy

For all the questions, and to alleviate some of my own questions & concerns, I did what any good pregnant Mommy would do... I googled it. ;) For those of you who know me, I live to google! lol I won't go into my *google worship* mode right now, but I will just say it is the BEST thing EVER!!

This is what I found on the subject from babyzone.com. *Warning* it's quite lengthy, but very informative. This might also explain why I look 6 months along already at just 4 months.

In this article:
Fibroids and the Growing Fetus
Signs and Risk Factors
Near Forgotten Fibroids
Moving Beyond Worry
Healthy Babies

"Even if you have fibroids, the chance of delivering a healthy baby is high. Learn how fibroids can affect pregnancy from medical experts and two women who had fibroids and birthed healthy babies.

They can be microscopic, the size of a grapefruit, and even grow to volleyball proportion or beyond. These unwelcome guests call a woman's uterus home. We are talking about tumors of the muscle of the uterus, commonly known as fibroids.

The good news is that with the monitoring modern technology enables, the great majority of pregnant women who have fibroids give birth to healthy babies, says Dr. Pedro Arrabal, MD, a Baltimore OB-GYN and maternal fetal medicine specialist.

According to Dr. Bobbie Gostout, MD, an associate professor of obstetrics and gynecology with the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, fibroids infrequently cause difficulty with conception. Yet once a woman is pregnant, fibroids can enlarge rapidly—especially during early pregnancy—cause severe pain, and even necessitate hospitalization, Dr. Gostout explains. Still, she says most fibroids do not cause any difficulties with pregnancy.

Nevadra Johnson, of the Washington DC area, was about to undergo surgery to remove her fibroids when she learned she was pregnant with her second child. "It was kind of bittersweet. You're excited about it. You're also worried," she says of the news. "You're saying, 'Will the baby make it?' There's a lot of worry in the beginning stages of pregnancy. It's even more so when you know you have a condition."

Fibroids and the Growing Fetus

Johnson, who was referred to Dr. Arrabal, learned that for the safety of her unborn child, her surgery needed to be postponed until after delivery.

"During pregnancy, fibroids are not treated," explains Dr. Gostout. "We simply try to manage the symptoms in a woman who wishes to preserve fertility." After pregnancy, she says fibroids can be surgically removed through a myomectomy and adds while there are newer treatments which appear promising, so far they have only been applied in large numbers to women who are done having children, "mainly since the unknown effects on the strength of the uterus and the ability of the uterus to carry a healthy pregnancy."

When Johnson's fibroids were first discovered in 2000, she had a five-year-old son, but in early 2006, pregnant with her second child, her three fibroids ballooned from the size of a quarter to grapefruit size. At three-months pregnant, Johnson says her protruding stomach made her look twice as far along.

Johnson admits wondering if the fibroids were cancer. The answer was no. Dr. Arrabal says that the odds of developing cancer as a result of fibroids during pregnancy are less than one percent.

"Whenever we tell anybody things are out of the ordinary, people tend to assume the worst. The way I look at it, it's my job to assume the worst and to try to prevent the worst," says Dr. Arrabal, who asks patients to leave the worrying to him and to stay as positive as possible.

He explains as a woman's estrogen levels significantly rise during early pregnancy, fibroids can grow tenfold or more. The traditional method of measuring a mother's abdomen to determine a baby's approximate size can give a false sense of security, as the fibroids can throw off the numbers. Thanks to major medical advances in the last 30 years, Dr. Arrabal says the baby and the fibroids can be monitored in ways never before possible. Ultrasounds and other tests are used to track the baby's size and the location of the fibroids.

While Dr. Arrabal emphasizes the favorable odds, he also prepares patients for potential complications, such as an obstructed birth canal necessitating a Cesarean section, preterm contractions, and preterm labor. In a minority of cases, the fibroid settles under the placenta, forcing it to separate from the uterus, which Dr. Arrabal says can cause a woman to hemorrhage or have a stillbirth.

Dr. Gostout says there are also potential complications in the first trimester, including the chance of miscarriage.

Signs and Risk Factors

When fibroids are detected during pregnancy, an ultrasound often reveals their presence, says Dr. Arrabal, who lists such symptoms as a larger uterus than expected, pelvic pressure, and premature labor pain. If a woman is not pregnant, signs include a lump or a mass in the lower abdomen, pelvic pressure, and a higher incidence of heavy periods.

Dr. Arrabal reports fibroids are seen more often in African American women, risks increase with age, and once a woman has one fibroid, there is a predisposition for more.

Dr. Gostout adds about 20 percent of women in their twenties and about 30 percent of women in their thirties have fibroids. In a majority of cases, she explains, the fibroids are small and asymptomatic. "The actual odds of fibroid-related problems in pregnancy are unknown," she explains.

Near Forgotten Fibroids

Heather Scott, of Boston, Massachusetts, learned on the day of her daughter's birth in 2003 she had fibroids. At her 37 week exam, her doctor detected fetal stress, high blood pressure, and fibroids. Hours later, she had a Cesarean section.

After the pregnancy, Scott's fibroids shrunk to about five centimeters, and she was told not to worry about them. She nearly forgot about them until her next pregnancy when her fibroids more than doubled in size. Eventually, the fibroids created uterine distress and caused low level daily contractions, resulting in orders for bed rest. "Just taking it easy really helps," Scott says about the uncomfortable sensation of heaviness.

Scott met with a fetal maternal specialist every two weeks to access the size of the fibroids and of the baby; she also received a fetal fibronectin test to check her risk for preterm labor. By 30 weeks, her fibroids were bigger than the baby but fortunately hadn't stunted the baby's growth.

Despite the discomfort, Scott maintained her humor. She says after giving "lots of love" to what she assumed was her baby's back or bottom, a nurse pointed to the same area and said, "'Look at that fibroid.' Surprised, Scott replied, 'No, are you kidding me? I thought [it] was the baby.'"

Moving Beyond Worry

Like Scott, Johnson also was put on bed rest. After a rocky first trimester with several emergency room trips following episodes of intense pain, Johnson says her fibroids became more manageable, but far from pain-free.

At 29 weeks, she spent a night at the hospital after experiencing minor contractions and was given medication to calm the fibroids, which when agitated can cause the uterus to contract.

"I was a little concerned… when the pains were coming," says Johnson, who found herself able to manage the pain once knowing the baby was okay.

Johnson says six weeks later she was confident that the baby was a good size and that she shouldn't have any problems if the baby made an early debut. She focused on trying to enjoy the pregnancy and getting the baby's room ready.

Healthy Babies

Last April, Johnson, her husband, and their 10-year-old son, welcomed a healthy baby boy.

Johnson advises those facing a similar situation to "Do the best that you can. Eat right, take care of yourself, and just have faith." She adds seeing a high-risk doctor and having the additional ultrasounds eased a lot of stress. Johnson had her fibroids surgically removed three months after giving birth. "It's a relief overall to know they're gone," says Johnson.

Scott, who gave birth to a son in August 2006, marvels at the power of modern medicine. "Several years ago, I think [the fibroids] would have been a huge deterrent and potentially a cause of premature fetal delivery or even death, but today thank goodness for modern technology and great doctors. It definitely bumps you into a high-risk group, but as far as high risks go you are on the low end, because it's manageable."