You'll Never Know...

You'll never know...
every moment of the wonderment that is a life- that you created- growing inside the womb.

You'll never know...
the anticipation of hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time and the joy that it brings.

You'll never know...
the anxiety-ridden moments of that first sonogram and the elation that it brought in knowing that we had a perfectly formed little being in there.

You'll never know...
the instant that precious little life became so real as you saw her moving & kicking on that screen, as you stared in awe at those precious little features that were her eyes, her nose, her mouth, her arms, her hands, her legs and how she had them crossed at the ankles, like a proper little lady, that would become her *signature* move.

You'll never know...
the relief as the tears streamed down your face and you thanked God- over and over again.

You'll never know...
being in that same awestruck wonder at every sonogram and everytime she suddenly sprang to life on that screen- as you saw her put her hand over her face, or spring her legs up, or stretch out just to curl back up again, to see her- seemingly- playing peek a boo with us.

You'll never know...
the excitement and fun of going through the store and selecting items for the baby registeries, knowing it will be your baby utilizing those items in just a few short months.

You'll never know...
how it feels to know this is the day you will find out- for certain- whether it's a boy or a girl and how exciting it is to finally know.

You'll never know...
what it feels like to put your hand on my belly and feel her kick and to know that is the precious little life that we- with God's hand- created.

You'll never know...
every moment along the way that you missed out on and will never, ever get back.

You'll never know...
the anxiety of every passing month- hoping and praying that she is growing well and perfect and healthy, and the mixed emotions of wanting her to just *be here* already, but also wanting her to wait so that she's ready and the world around her is ready for her.

You'll never know...
every prayer that went up, every tear that fell, every hope that was dashed, every stab of pain in my heart at the slow dawning of realization that you were not going to come through and be here for every step along the way.

You'll never know...
how much it hurt me to give that up and try to muster through without you to answer the *Daddy questions*, to explain time and time again that- no, you weren't involved nor would you be, to see the looks on people's faces, to have to leave half the paperwork empty because you weren't there, and to know that- someday- it will be even worse than all that when I have to try to explain to this precious little child why you weren't around for all of that.

You'll never know...
how this plagues me day and night and how I worry that- despite the unbelievable and unconditional amount of love and adoration and support this baby will receive from so many others, yours will be the one she misses and seeks the most.

You'll never know...
all of this and so, so much more... and that makes me very sad for you... because a path that God chose for you to go down and experience and be a part of, a blessing He tried to give to you, you'll never know...

*J-bug* is a...

Girl. :) 100% positively now.

Today was our level 2 sono to look for certain defects, etc. For those of you who know, my history with Kalann having "anencephaly" coupled with my age (yes, apparently I'm OLD! lol) and some other factors have put me in a "high-risk" category with this baby. I met with the Genetic Counselor first to go through all the risk factors given these statistics, family history, etc. She stated that she really wasn't worried too much about me or this pregnancy. Then we went into the sono. I met with one of the residents first who I liked very well. He was very thorough and explained as he went along, which I appreciate. Funny how the ones they consider the "specialists" hardly tell you anything when they're the ones you really are looking for the answers from. But I digress...

The "specialist" then came in and basically did the very same things the first Dr. had done. She measured a bunch of areas and was pretty intense on trying to see her feet straighten out. But J-bug would have none of that! lol She has now had her legs crossed at the ankles in EVERY sono we've had done. (I told Bri she's going to be a ballerina :)

At any rate, they were able to see everything else they needed to, except the heart as well as they would've hoped to. They said it is still a bit small at this stage to see it as well as they need to, but I will go back in a few weeks when they can see it better. They're looking for defects in the chambers because it is a sign of downs syndrome. Now comes the bad part of the appt...

The Dr. then, very matter-of-factly, tells me- "you tested positive for downs syndrome". I don't think I even reacted because she was so nonchalant about it, I think I was just shocked. Remember all the 2 tons of blood they took from me a couple weeks back? Yeah, from that apparently they got those results back. So guess what? Yep, back to the Genetic Counselor to discuss the "options" and "percentages". Thank God Faith was with me and had seen all the stuff prior so she kinda got a grasp on what this could mean. She had been very focused on eating the whole time and couldn't wait to get out of there so she could eat. Suddenly, she changed and was very concerned with me and how I was feeling. I honestly didn't know what to feel at that moment. But I was glad for the G/C as she explained it all in full detail and I felt a LOT better after leaving with her. She showed me all the percentages of everything they tested for and how they all were almost at 1%, which is good, so she wasn't concerned about those at all. She also showed me how I was at 80% risk and when all this figured into it, I jumped to 240%. That meant that every 1 in 240 pregnancies with exactly the same stats as me (same age, same kind of history, same genetics, etc.) will have a baby with downs syndrome. When she showed me the line was at 270% and that had I been below that, there wouldn't have been a "positive" reading, I was no longer concerned. If you're talking about on a scale from 1-270 and mine is 240, those are pretty good odds. ;)

My "options" were to have an amniocentesis to determine, positively, a yes or no. I declined. First, there is a 1 in 3 chance of miscarrying by having that test done. I don't like those odds- at all. Second, it wouldn't change anything for me. It's not like I would choose to do anything other than what I've always done and that is to carry the baby to term. So what is the point? I couldn't see it. The G/C felt I made the right choice and reiterated that she was totally not concerned, that the Dr's are just VERY conservative these days and were just being extra cautious. I can appreciate that.

Thankfully, when I told the Dr. I was supposed to be coming back in 2 days for an inner sono to determine the competence of my cervix, she went ahead and did it. Yay! Saved me another trip to the hospital- woo hoo! :) Cervix looked to be fine, she said. Plenty long and strong enough to hold throughout the pregnancy. The only concerned mentioned- once again- was the placenta being so low. But she said the same thing as the Dr. that first discovered it, in that it should have plenty of time to move up and out of a way.

SO... that's it for this time. It is now *official*... "J-bug" is a little "Jayleigh Sheree". Happiness! :) I have 2 girls happy about that, anyway. lol Faith is used to being the "Princess" and really doesn't appreciate the thought of having to share that title. ;)

Thanks for all your love & support!

be blessed...
Melanie & J-bug

The One You've Been Waiting For... ;)

Well, I think I can honestly say that today was the LONGEST Dr.’s appt. I have EVER been to in my LIFE!! They told me it would be long, but good grief! I got there at 10:00am and we didn’t leave there ‘til amost 3:00pm! So be prepared for a LOOOONG blog! lol

I am going through Baylor (where I had my last pregnancies) and today was the first time for me to go. I got registered in and all the “pre-admin” paperwork filled out, etc. While waiting for the actual appt.- Holly, Faith and I went downstairs to grab something to munch on and come back and wait. I forgot to look at the clock then, but I would guess it was about an hour from the time we got there that we were going into the room. My Dr. was busy with another sono so she sent in another Dr. that was just a joy- and was appropriately named “Joy”. :) She asked a TON of questions about my medical history (which is extensive) and then asked about the other side that I couldn’t answer. That has to be the most frustrating part. Anyway, I digress… I answered what I could and she moved on to the physical exam. I won’t go into details here (lol) other than to say that they did a typical “physical” and then the women’s exam and I’ll leave it at that. ;)

Then it was sono time… YAY!! Their equipment is SO much better and more advanced than that of the other 2 I’ve had so everything was MUCH larger- on the screen and in pics, as you will see. The girls, of course, just wanted to see one thing and I think they were both waiting with baited breath… but on opposing teams! LOL (Faith wanted a boy and Holly wanted a girl). The Dr., of course, had to give her little shpill about how- “I can’t be positive, but if I had to make an educated guess…”

Oh, did you want me to tell you what she guessed? LOL We determined that J-bug MUST be… wait for it… lol

.

.

.

.

.

.

A “little lady”… because in every sono thus far, she has had her legs crossed at the ankles! lol Which is absolutely adorable, as you can see in today’s sono pics. ;) Again- it isn’t 100% positive at this point, but pretty darn sure. That’s what Sheree and I guessed after the first one, too! :)

J-bug was more active than EVER today- too cute! She was moving CONSTANTLY! And I told the Dr.- well, I did have that sticky bun this morning… she’s probably on a sugar-high! lol So after Faith bursts into tears and determines that God does not love her after all (joke) and Holly and I practically dance around the room (another joke), they release us to go BACK to the waiting room to wait on labs. That took almost an hour because the system wasn’t working properly and inputting my extensive medical history, etc. Finally, about an hour later, I get called to go to the lab. My FAVORITE part! NOT!

They tested me for everything under the sun. Ugh! They took 8 tubes of blood and only stopped then because the needle came out of my arm and she asked if I wanted her to try and make due with what they’d already drawn or to try and re-stick me. Hmmm… let’s think about this, shall we? Uh- NO! lol I HATE needles. I mean HATE is really not even a strong enough word for my feelings about needles! I have not had NATURAL childbirths for nothing! I loathe them! So we compromised… I have to go back for even MORE tests tomorrow (having a high-risk pregnancy, I’ve determined, pretty well sucks! lol) and a diabetes test so I told her if they determined today’s blood was not enough to run the plethora of tests they need to run, she can stick me again tomorrow and get more. Aren’t I just the supreme negotiator?! lol Whatever the matter, she agreed so- works for me! ;)

So I am on a 24 hour collection period (I won’t tell you what and gross you out. lol) that I have to take back tomorrow for more testing. At that time, they will have to stick me again anyway for ANOTHER test they determined at the last minute they needed to run. I will also have to submit more hospital paperwork then. The fun has officially begun- woo hoo! lol

I have my next appt. in 2 weeks for an “internal” ultrasound to determine the need for a cerclage’. I discussed it with the Dr. today and my concern of the time running out for it. Normally, it would have been a month before I had to come back for another appt., but due to the time constraints on this procedure, I will go back then for them to measure the cervix (internally) and make the determination for the need for it at that time. If so, they will schedule the surgery immediately to go in and do that- before I hit the crucial 20 week mark. Like I said… having a high-risk pregnancy is really LOADS of fun! ;)

Ok, so that’s all that with my REGULAR Dr... NOW I get to ALSO go to the high-risk SPECIALIST Dr. Oh- YAY! lol I am going to be SOOOOO sick of hospitals and Dr.’s offices by the time this is over that I will be more than happy for them to remove my tubes when it’s all said and done! lol

So I guess that’s it for now. I’m SO excited to share these pics with you, as they are my favorites, thus far. :)

Thank you for all your concern, love and support. You guys are awesome and it means the world to me to know you care so much. :)

be blessed...

Melanie & the *little lady* (he he) J-bug

2nd SONOGRAM!

The second sonogram appt. was today and the Dr. said all looks well. Our little J-bug is a stubborn one, though. He/she kept *hiding* from us by putting his/her hand in front of his/her face so we never really got any good pics or visuals. And then he/she decided to pull the umbilical cord up between his or her legs so we FOR SURE couldn't tell what he or she was! That's my child alright! lol However... I have my first Dr.'s appt. tomorrow morning and will have another one then so maybe J-bug will be a little more cooperative for that one. ;)

The Dr. that was volunteering at the Resource Center today- get this- is actually over the Baylor that I will be going to so how cool is that? She made a quick call over and made sure they'd be doing the *works* (sono, full check-up, etc.). Good to *know* people in high places I guess. lol

Only *worry* she brought up was the distance between my placenta and my cervix. Right now, my placenta is covering my cervix which would mean- if I were at 28+ weeks at this time- I would for sure be having a c-section. I wasn't happy to hear that considering I've had ALL my children the *natural* way, thus far. I didn't really plan to change that this time around. :( BUT she said it still has plenty of time to move at this juncture so we will be praying that it does.

Regarding the cerclage', she said that the Dr. tomorrow should be able to more fully determine the need for that or not. I'm getting close to the point where I wouldn't be able to do it any longer so it's pretty imperative that they determine that quickly if it's going to need to be done and schedule the surgery for it pretty soon. I'm right at 17 weeks right now and they *like* to do them at 14-16 weeks, if possible. By 20 weeks, it's too late.

Oh my goodness!! Let's just say I could've TOTALLY done without the weighing thing today! Ugh! I go off on vacation for 2 weeks and 3 weeks later I weighed 10 lbs more! Good grief!! I was so proud because, thus far, I had only gained 3-5 lbs in 4 months! Then this!!! That's it- back to grilled chicken breasts, veggies & salad for this little one! With the dairy & fruits thrown in, of course. ;) (I blame Sus, it's her fault- with all that southern cooking and steak & potatoes, and... ;)

I guess that's about it. I will blog again tomorrow with the Dr.'s findings. :)

be blessed...
Melanie & the *shy* little J-bug (lol)s

No Rest For The Weary...

I awoke at 5am with two thoughts on my mind... 1) I'm STARVING and 2) I can't sleep. What caused me to be unable to sleep is wherein lies the story. Too many things on my mind, I guess- mostly thoughts of Tuesday (the sonogram appt) and what it holds, what it will mean. I have really tried not to worry about that and have really done well with that (for me)... until now. So by 6am, I was out of bed, with a bowl of cereal in hand and my laptop on my lap. I have been sleeping really well lately (again- for me) so this is unusual. For a person who typically sleeps a 4-6 hour night, 10 hours a night is like a dream come true! That has been the BEST part of this pregnancy! But this morning I guess my mind overtook my body and so, alas, here I am...

I suppose to understand the source of my worry, you'd have to know where I've been. The last sonogram I had was 7 years ago when I was pregnant with my precious "baby butterfly"- Kalann Joy. That day was supposed to be a joyous one for us. We had even removed our girls from school early to go with us to see if we (my ex-husband and I) were having a boy or a girl. We were all SO excited! Even though it was so long ago and so much has transpired since then, I can still remember that day so vividly. The look on the sonographer's face and just knowing. When she asked the girls to wait out in the hall while she went to get the Dr., I knew- something was horribly wrong. I had never had a problem in a pregnancy before- at least not anything of this magnitude so I didn't know WHAT it was, I just knew that it was really bad. And when the Dr. came in and confirmed what the sonographer had seen, my world collapsed. I remember the words "pregnancy is not 'viable'" and I remember thinking what the he** does that mean?? I'm sorry for the expletive, but in that moment- that's what I thought. I remember looking at her with fear in my eyes and my heart breaking as I heard her say words I had no clue of the meaning to- just knowing they were devastating to my world. I had known this Dr. for many years at this point, she had been with me through one pregnancy and my pre-cancerous "scare"- I knew her not to be a person who would overdramatize a situation. But there was no mistaking the look on her face or her next words... "your baby will not live, I'm sorry". I remember those words turning over and over again in my mind as they hit upon nothingness and I failed to absorb them. I remember saying "I don't understand" and I remember thinking "this can't be happening, I have never had a problem with a baby before". I must've spoken these words because I remember her explaining that it was a "fluke" thing and that "these things just sometimes happen". From there, I believe I went into shock because the next thing I remember is sitting at a restaurant with J and the girls and trying to pretend like everything was okay for the girls because we didn't want to tell them until we had another sono the next day. The Dr. recommended it as a confirmation because it was a highly diagnostic, special imaging, blah blah blah. They could see more, basically. But when we went for the "high tech" version of the sonogram, there was no mistaking that blank darkness above our precious baby's eyes where her brain should've been. Even to the untrained eye, that was evident. I remember them "giving us time" as we tried to process what was the inevitable loss of our baby- that was, in every other way, "perfect". I remember thinking- how can this be? How can I see this baby's heartbeat on the screen, see her moving like a normal baby, have all her limbs, her toes, her fingers- everything, and yet know she is going to die? It didn't make sense to me.

Then there was the barrage of "there are things we can do"... "options". "Options"? Options for what? Options that will make my baby live? No... there were none of those. This was a death sentence, no way out. There was nothing- short of a God-appointed miracle- that was going to make my baby live. So what were these "options"? I really was in too much shock to even absorb what they were suggesting. Of course, they put it in all kinds of medical terminology so that it wasn't the ugly truth, but I finally got what it was they were suggesting- abortion. They wanted me to abort my precious butterfly. I remember getting home and collapsing on the bed and dissolving into tears. I remember phone call after phone call from relatives and friends that had obviously been informed by J as to what was happening. I took none of them. I could not speak, I could not think, I could not function. I could only cry. And I remember laying there in my despair and thinking of everything we'd just been through and the Dr's words and "options" and I will never forget what happened next... she moved for the first time. Or, rather, I FELT her move for the first time. Two little kicks, that was all. But it was right as my mind passed over the word "options". And I remember the horror setting in as I fully absorbed what that meant and asking God to forgive me that I had not immediately refuted it. There was no way I would ever. When my Dr. brought it up again, I asked her- "what is making this baby live? If she cannot live outside of me without a brain, what is making her live now?" She said- basically- it was me. I said to her "so I am this baby's lifeline right now? Without me, she ceases to live?" She confirmed that was true. So I told her- "then there is no way that I will cease to be that. God is going to have to take the very breath from her and make her heart stop beating because I will not. That's not my job, it's His". And that was that.

I settled in for the long, hard next 3 months that would- in ways- feel like an eternity, and yet- go by in a whisper, in the blink of an eye. When it was all said and done, I would pray for just one more day of it, just one more day to have her back with me- safe inside my tummy where I knew she would continue to live. Even though it was a miserable pregnancy as I gained enormous amounts of water weight (a condition of anencephaly) and, by the end of it, my Dr. said I had enough water to be carrying triplets- I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. What Kalann did to my life, I could never measure nor fully explain. I prayed- and believed- for a miracle every single day and would not listen to any naysayers. I rebuked them. I found joy in every movement, every moment, every heartbeat. My faith was stronger than ever and she touched lives. I was in awe of it. For a baby that never even touched this earth, to see how she affected people and renewed their faith because of OUR journey- it was remarkable. Sometimes now, I wonder how my faith could've been so strong in such extreme times then and can falter so much over lesser things now. The only explanation that I had for it was- it's God. God gives us the measure of grace we need to handle each situation. In extreme ones- like this- it was an extreme measure of grace. I needed it- I would've died without it. And that's not to say there were times when I didn't wish that I could. Sometimes the pain became so real and so unbearable that I just wanted to go away, to not have to feel it anymore. The thought of being separated from my precious baby in the end was just too much for me. And then I would think of my other girls... still little at the time- just 5 & 10- and I would know that I had to go on for them. So I would somehow find the strength to make it through that day, and then the next, and the next, and so on. It was a long journey- a heartbreaking one, but one I would never have done without. It forever changed me. And- sometimes- I know the Lord knows I need just that moment back so he sends me a butterfly that crosses my path and makes me smile- just knowing...