Advice For A Friend...

I was asked for advice from a friend of mine today who was having trouble knowing which way to go in his life. He shall remain anonymous, but while I was responding to him, it occurred to me... how many of us have actually been in this man's shoes? How many of us have had this very same (or very close to it) situation? It's not that we don't KNOW the answer, but sometimes it helps for someone to gently nudge us in that direction- to help give us the courage or motivation or confirmation that we need to do it.

He currently has a girlfriend that is wanting to get married, but he doesn't want to because he's not in love with her. And despite the fact that she's a good, Godly woman and he cares about her greatly, he knows it would be wrong to marry her when he is still in love with his ex. The ex is not in love with him so she's not in the picture- truly- either. He doesn't want to hurt the girlfriend, obviously, so he's torn on what to do. Not really. In his heart, he knows what he needs to do. I just reminded him of that fact. ;) Here was my advice to him and a little of my own experience with those same situations...

HIM: "can you tell me what I should do? I just can't think. I'm so confused"

ME: "Yes, in this case, I can. You have to tell her and break it off. I know you don't want to hurt her, but you have to do this. It truly would be hurting her more in the long-run. I promise you. We always seem to think that the things that are temporal are less damaging- they are not. Trust me, I know of which I speak! Had I ended things- TRULY ended things- with my ex-boyfriend back when we broke up, I would not be sitting here today- pregnant and PRAYING that my child somehow does not have pain from this... a decision that I made to not break it off. Now other lives are and will be affected by my inability to do so.

If there is ANY good that can come from my situation (besides the obvious of the little blessing that I carry- smile), it would be that I could advise someone on a situation in their life that can learn from mine. You say she's a good woman? Then she deserves better. Not better than YOU, just better than someone *settling* to be with her. I'm sure you know in your heart this is true. She deserves to be with someone who will love her the way that she deserves to be loved. That was the one thing I told my ex-husband when I let him go. He was a good man to me and my children and he deserved to be loved the way he had loved me all those years. I could not be the one to do it, but someone else could. He now has found her and is happy. Your lady will find that, too, in time. And you will feel better that you did the right thing by allowing her to do that.

As far as the past thing- honey, I can identify with you on that one, too! I have three words for that one... LET-IT-GO. Seriously. Yes, I KNOW how hard that is- believe me! I live with that one EVERYDAY. But it's slowly but surely getting better. Let's do it together, ok? We'll help uphold each other and get us through each day of letting that person go. If they don't love you, they are NOT WORTHY OF YOUR LOVING THEM. Say it with me now! ;) In all seriousness, they aren't. YOU deserve better than that.

I hope this helps you. Yes, you have a hard chore ahead of you. It will hurt and it will hurt you to see her hurt, but it is necessary. Let me know how you're doing, ok?

be blessed, sweet man...
- Melanie"

HIM: "this is gonna be so hard. I'm going to be even more alone when she's gone, I'm not sure I can handle that. Has God sent me this good woman? Will I be alone until I give it to God?"

ME: "I can't answer that other stuff for you, sweetie. That's God's territory. And I don't dare tread in HIS territory. All I can say about that is you need to pray about it and earnestly seek God on it.

None of us like to be alone. It's not in us. We weren't created to be alone. If you think about it, there's a reason for that. The VERY FIRST MAN GOD CREATED- He said, it's not good that he should be alone. And that's why we're even here. That should tell you something. No, we were not meant to be alone. I have had this conversation with one of my girls SOOOOO many times. She just hates to be alone. She thinks she has to be doing something every single night, has to have people around. And I keep telling her- you HAVE to be okay with just being alone sometimes. I never thought in a million years that I would feel that way. I am SUCH a people person, such a romantic, and was with my husband for 15 years! And before that, I was NEVER alone. I've never lived on my own- EVER, before now. But I have learned that I am just not willing to compromise myself JUST to have someone around. Not for a moment, not for a night, not for day in and day out- period. I'm just not going to do it. I did that badly enough with this last situation that led me here! I have made a commitment to God and myself that I just refuse to break. It's not worth it. TRUST ME! It's SOOOO not worth the consequences.

Find things to do to keep you busy or spend time with friends and family, etc. My girls and my friends are my SAVING GRACE! Believe me... I would be SO lost without them!! And sometimes- when none of them are around or available and I have to be *alone*- it's okay. I'm okay with that. I have so much going on in my life right now that it's GOOD to have that time sometimes. Just to be alone and think or spend time with God or whatever. I do believe that God is bringing someone into my life eventually. I know He knows what I need and desire and that He wants that for me as well. But for now- I'm okay with the waiting. :)

My focus is on my precious little one right now and making sure I'm doing what's right by him/her and trying to get through these next several months, physically. Obviously, that's different than where your focus would be (wink), but you know what I mean. Relationships should just be the icing on the cake for us- they should not be what makes or breaks us. I am learning that one, too. I've spent SO much of my life with my focus being on MEN that it always just leads to heartbreak for me. Because I just revolve my whole life, my whole being around that person that I lose sight of everything and everyone else in my life who should be important to me. First of all- God. He HAS to take that place for us- otherwise, we lose. I'm not saying this has been your issue, I'm just saying it's been mine. ;)

Whatever the case, I am praying for you and I wish you only God's best.

be blessed...
Melanie "