I struggle, on a daily basis, to do what the Lord has called me to do. Actually, that's not entirely accurate. Actually, I don't generally have a problem doing what the Lord has called me to do. Surprisingly enough, I really don't. For this past people-pleaser who never knew how to say "no", I have grown. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not so much. I may veer too far on the other end now just because I have become jaded. I don't really care about people pleasing anymore. I have no problem saying what I feel or what I feel I need to say because of this. I think that this is God's use of a bad thing made good. If I don't care about people-pleasing or what others will think, I'm not afraid to share the message He has for me. I do seek to care for people, be there for them as much as I can, and try to be a good friend. But I'm not so sure that I always am. I'm scared to, quite honestly. I don't trust people. I don't trust them not to hurt me, to cause me pain. I am jaded. A wise friend once told me (repeatedly) that having expectations on others only hurts you in the end. I thought that was a kinda cynical viewpoint, which really surprised me because I didn't see this person as particularly cynical. But the dreamer in me fought that. I thought- people will only rise to the level that you expect of them. But I've learned differently. People are disappointing. And rarely ever what you think they are or make them out to be. I don't want to be a cynic, but a dreamer doesn't fare well. Too much brokenness lies in the past of a dreamer. So a realist is better, right? So can't I just be "real"? Why must I constantly be disappointed by the expectations I have that others are better people than who they really are? It's so continually disappointing.

For me, my daily "sins", if you will, are that of trying to maintain my dignity and purpose and not allow my spirit to be crushed. It is in trying to be the strong Christian that God has called me to be and not to succumb to the enemies plots to destroy my joy. It is in trying to FIND my joy in the LORD and NOT in MAN! Really- that part isn't too hard anymore because I'm so burned out in that area that I don't expect to find joy there anymore. Problem solved! But it's hard when we are surrounded by sin and negativity. Like our Sunday school teacher said this past week- just a little sedation here, little sedation there- this is okay, that's okay- not a big deal here, not a big deal there... just keep on being sedated by the things of this world and before you know it, you're under. THE MOST FRUSTRATING THING IN THE WORLD TO ME IS THIS... PEOPLE NEVER KNOW THEY'VE BEEN SEDATED!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I could scream at the top of my lungs for days on end 'til my lungs collapse from my frustration with this! They won't listen, they don't hear you, they are CLUELESS! They think they're A-OK! All good on God's list! And that's fine if it doesn't affect any one else's life in any way (actually it's not, but I digress...), but when it DOES... what to do? I am HORRIBLE at just "let go and let God" with this. HORRIBLE. God knows, I'm not going to pull any punches with you. HORRIBLE. I want to pound them over the head with a Bible 'til I beat the truth into them. I want to pull my hair out and scream. I get SO frustrated by what seems SO SIMPLE and BLATANTLY OBVIOUS to ME. But that's just it... TO ME. God has revealed these things TO ME because I have made myself open to them. I have requested the truth and He has opened my blinded eyes to see. If you don't want to see, if you do not ASK to see- you will NOT see. Of course, then there are those who KNOW to ask and still do not ask and their judgment is on their own heads. It's not that they haven't had access to the truth, it's just easier for them to live on in their "ignorance is bliss" and "what I do is not sin" mindset and that works for them. Or so they think. But they're not fooling anyone (at least not me) and they're CERTAINLY NOT fooling GOD! They will figure this out eventually, I pray.

Patience is not my virtue. Compassion is my strong suit, though. So I pray for more patience so that my compassion may be better utilized. People don't respond as well to a brick over the head as they do a soft shoulder, I know this. Or- as my Grandmother used to say- you can catch more flies with honey than you can vinegar. I haven't tried either, but I believe it to be true. However, I think there is a time to give a soft answer and there is a time for strong truth. I think there is such a gray covering over people in this day that we have TOTALLY lost sight of the black and white we are to live our lives by and they NEED a strong dose of reality, soft wont' do it! It's black & white. It's God's or satan's- period. There IS no gray area. It's black, it's white. If it's not OF God, it's OF satan. Period. That movie you're watching, that song you're listening to, that book you're reading- is God in it? Do you see God ANYWHERE in it? Then guess who it belongs to? It's not that hard to figure it out. Now average your day based on how many things you're partaking in that belong to God, versus how many belong to you-know-who... the other guy... So who owns your day? But do you think of it that way? No, probably not. You're a "good person", right? Get real. Wake up before it's too late. People living with blinders on because they don't want to see the TRUTH.

So what was this blog about, really? I don't know. What did you get out of it? What did I get by typing it out? Isn't that enough? There wasn't any real theme, other than to say that people living in delusion frustrate me and that people purposely do so- most likely, so that they may continue on in the sin that their committing and not feel guilty about it. So don't. Do what you want to do and don't feel guilty about it. But do not for one second believe that your lack of guilt about it means that you will have a lack of consequences or judgment for it because that's just not true. You will. Someday you will have grave consequences for it and I pray that you have a strong heart for that day. I pray that the Lord goes easy on you for all the harm you have done to His elect. But I know that He won't. Because He is a God of justice. His heart is for mercy, but you choose your own and will reap accordingly.

Today, I made a choice. It was not an easy choice, in fact, I was quite conflicted about it. And I'm sure that I will get flack for this post, but here goes...

Ever since I heard that the Susan G. Komen center supports abortions, I had vowed not to support them anymore. It's a fact that made me sad because even though I have not been a huge supporter with any vast donations, etc., I had, however, on many occasions opted to buy products specifically because they had the little pink ribbon on them. So many instances that I can't even name them all, just because I knew that it was going to help breast cancer awareness, treatments and, possibly, a cure. Though I will say that I don't believe there will EVER be a cure for cancer- breast or otherwise- because that's just not the way this world works and we're just not as smart as we think we are, but that's a blog for another day. All that to say, I had made a definitive mind switch about supporting them, just as I had stopped going to Starbuck's for the very same reason. It's not an easy decision (especially the Starbuck's one!), but one I felt convicted of so I have to remain true to that. Until today...

Today, my hubby was running in the "race for the cure" in Tyler, in honor of his Mom who he lost to breast cancer 14 years ago. When he told me he had signed up for this race, he also precluded it by saying- "now, I know how you feel about them..." I appreciated his understanding of my conviction. But I was faced with a dilemma... stay true to my conviction or support my husband. I feel I am called to do both. So when faced with a choice BETWEEN them, what do you do? I told him I would have to pray over it and I would let him know what I decided. I felt very strong in my conviction, but at the same time, I could not IMAGINE my husband going to run a race (especially in honor of his Mom!) and me NOT being there for him. I have been there for every race he has ran in and it would be very sad for me to miss it. In the end, I made the choice to go and support my husband. And I felt I held true to my conviction at the same time. I did not, personally, provide money to their organization. My husband did and that's between him and God. I did not purchase anything while I was there, did not promote it in any way, other than to support my husband running in it. At the end of the day, I felt I made the right choice and that God was pleased with my decision.

But while we're on the subject, I have to say this... this is what came to my mind while sitting there at the awards ceremony, seeing all the survivors of breast cancer come filing in. It made me very happy for them, that they are winning their battle with breast cancer. But I also found it very ironic. How do you spend countless hours upon hours in research and fundraising and working to try and find a cure for breast cancer and all the money that it entails to do that- how do you decide that all those women's lives are worthy of doing ALL that, but that the innocent life of an unborn child is just meaningless? How do you go through all that to save as many women (and men) as you can possibly hope to save, working towards a "cure", but throw out the unborn children with the trash. I'm sorry, that's harsh, but it IS the reality! Like I told Bri... if a baby was just a day old and you killed it, life in prison. Right? But INSIDE the womb, different story? Bull. Bull. Bull. Bull. And bull! I'm not buying it and neither is God, quite frankly. God puts children high, high, high up on His list and people discarding them like yesterday's trash... all I can say is I'm glad I'm not one of them. I can't understand it. Cannot comprehend it. Cannot wrap my mind around it. I thank my God that despite ALLLLLL my mistakes, that is one that I never, ever could wrap my mind around. And my heart breaks, it weeps deeply for all those precious babies that have been deemed unworthy of life. You know what though- judgment comes for those who disregard their precious little lives. And God rewards them. "But most fortunate of all are those who are not yet born. For they have not seen all the evil that is done under the sun." ~ New Living Translation (©2007)

So no, I will not/cannot support Susan G. Komen any longer. That is my conviction. I will no longer support Starbuck's any longer. And any others that come up that I find out about. Because I can only do something about the ones I know about, that's where my conviction begins. But once you know and DON'T act, that's when judgment comes... (blog written on Saturday May 12, 2012)