Interesting Cuteness!

Random Trivia 1. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. 2. The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to bedisqualified was to poke someone's eye out. 3. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. 4. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 5. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. 6. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. 7. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. 8. Coca-Cola was originally green. 9. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. 10. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. What Does Love Mean? 1. "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6 2. "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8 3. "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6 4. "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5 5. "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7 6. "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4 7. "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4 8. "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7 9. "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

You'll Never Know...

You'll never know...
every moment of the wonderment that is a life- that you created- growing inside the womb.

You'll never know...
the anticipation of hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time and the joy that it brings.

You'll never know...
the anxiety-ridden moments of that first sonogram and the elation that it brought in knowing that we had a perfectly formed little being in there.

You'll never know...
the instant that precious little life became so real as you saw her moving & kicking on that screen, as you stared in awe at those precious little features that were her eyes, her nose, her mouth, her arms, her hands, her legs and how she had them crossed at the ankles, like a proper little lady, that would become her *signature* move.

You'll never know...
the relief as the tears streamed down your face and you thanked God- over and over again.

You'll never know...
being in that same awestruck wonder at every sonogram and everytime she suddenly sprang to life on that screen- as you saw her put her hand over her face, or spring her legs up, or stretch out just to curl back up again, to see her- seemingly- playing peek a boo with us.

You'll never know...
the excitement and fun of going through the store and selecting items for the baby registeries, knowing it will be your baby utilizing those items in just a few short months.

You'll never know...
how it feels to know this is the day you will find out- for certain- whether it's a boy or a girl and how exciting it is to finally know.

You'll never know...
what it feels like to put your hand on my belly and feel her kick and to know that is the precious little life that we- with God's hand- created.

You'll never know...
every moment along the way that you missed out on and will never, ever get back.

You'll never know...
the anxiety of every passing month- hoping and praying that she is growing well and perfect and healthy, and the mixed emotions of wanting her to just *be here* already, but also wanting her to wait so that she's ready and the world around her is ready for her.

You'll never know...
every prayer that went up, every tear that fell, every hope that was dashed, every stab of pain in my heart at the slow dawning of realization that you were not going to come through and be here for every step along the way.

You'll never know...
how much it hurt me to give that up and try to muster through without you to answer the *Daddy questions*, to explain time and time again that- no, you weren't involved nor would you be, to see the looks on people's faces, to have to leave half the paperwork empty because you weren't there, and to know that- someday- it will be even worse than all that when I have to try to explain to this precious little child why you weren't around for all of that.

You'll never know...
how this plagues me day and night and how I worry that- despite the unbelievable and unconditional amount of love and adoration and support this baby will receive from so many others, yours will be the one she misses and seeks the most.

You'll never know...
all of this and so, so much more... and that makes me very sad for you... because a path that God chose for you to go down and experience and be a part of, a blessing He tried to give to you, you'll never know...

Hodge Podge...

Just some hodge podge stuff... ;)

J-bug now weighs 9 oz!! She's growing very well and about the size of an avocado. Hmmm... new nickname? I think not. lol "My little peanut" is cute, but I draw the line at vegetables. ;)

I don't know what my weight is and I don't care. lol I'm being sensible, not indulging in lots of sweets or stuff that's bad for me. I did before, don't get me wrong. I went through a MAJOR ice cream phase. MAJOR. And of course the cereal phase, but that was mostly good for you kind of cereal so it's all good. Now I'm just being *normal*. I'm just making sure to get things balanced and make sure my little peanut keeps growing good and strong. :)

STILL looking for a job. Had an interview last week that I felt good about, but still waiting for them to make a decision on it. It would be part-time, but maybe just as well with all the Dr's appts during the day. I could have time in the afternoon for those then work something around that. We'll see. Did a one-day assignment today that basically paid me to sit and update my pregnancy journals, etc. lol Gotta love those. ;)

Ok, here it is... I keep getting these questions. Stats are good, glad to know J-bug is good, but how are YOU? I get it. I know. ;) Truth is, it's an easy question for me to avoid because I don't like the answers I have to give. I know the questions are asked out of love and concern and I do SO appreciate that, it's just hard to answer questions you don't have the answers to- you know? I can't say a standard pat "I'm fine" because I'd have to be living in a fantasy world to believe that answer and if I don't, then it's just a lie. But the truth is- most of the time I am. Really. My days have now become moments and that's a good sign, I think. :) It is hard for a person who analyzes, re-analyzes and OVER-analyzes EVERYthing to just accept that some things don't make ANY sense and that no matter how many times, ways, etc. you run it through your head- you're just NEVER going to make it make sense. It's a hard conclusion to draw and an even harder conclusion to accept. But it is what it is. To try and make it what it is not is just frustrating and leads nowhere. So I understand the questions, but the answer is always the same... no. Nothing. Nada. Zip. And that's a painful acceptance process. At the same time, I have such joy most of the time from this precious little J-bug the Lord has blessed me with that it is hard to be anything but that. :) And I have all of you- you amazing, wonderful, loving, supportive, incredible people that surround my life. :) I love you and appreciate you more than I can begin to tell you. You guys have just ROCKED me with your support through all of this and I am overwhelmed by your amazingness! And I thank God for each and every one of you who contribute so much and something so special and unique to my life. How blessed I truly am. So that one little rain cloud won't darken this sky for too long, I promise you. It's merely in glimpses... and then it passes and the sun is shining once again. So please, no worries... :) And yeah, less of *those* questions would be appreciated. Believe me- if something changes in that way, you will know. Otherwise, it's safe to assume that nothing has changed. Sad, but true.

much love & blessings always...
Melanie

*J-bug* is a...

Girl. :) 100% positively now.

Today was our level 2 sono to look for certain defects, etc. For those of you who know, my history with Kalann having "anencephaly" coupled with my age (yes, apparently I'm OLD! lol) and some other factors have put me in a "high-risk" category with this baby. I met with the Genetic Counselor first to go through all the risk factors given these statistics, family history, etc. She stated that she really wasn't worried too much about me or this pregnancy. Then we went into the sono. I met with one of the residents first who I liked very well. He was very thorough and explained as he went along, which I appreciate. Funny how the ones they consider the "specialists" hardly tell you anything when they're the ones you really are looking for the answers from. But I digress...

The "specialist" then came in and basically did the very same things the first Dr. had done. She measured a bunch of areas and was pretty intense on trying to see her feet straighten out. But J-bug would have none of that! lol She has now had her legs crossed at the ankles in EVERY sono we've had done. (I told Bri she's going to be a ballerina :)

At any rate, they were able to see everything else they needed to, except the heart as well as they would've hoped to. They said it is still a bit small at this stage to see it as well as they need to, but I will go back in a few weeks when they can see it better. They're looking for defects in the chambers because it is a sign of downs syndrome. Now comes the bad part of the appt...

The Dr. then, very matter-of-factly, tells me- "you tested positive for downs syndrome". I don't think I even reacted because she was so nonchalant about it, I think I was just shocked. Remember all the 2 tons of blood they took from me a couple weeks back? Yeah, from that apparently they got those results back. So guess what? Yep, back to the Genetic Counselor to discuss the "options" and "percentages". Thank God Faith was with me and had seen all the stuff prior so she kinda got a grasp on what this could mean. She had been very focused on eating the whole time and couldn't wait to get out of there so she could eat. Suddenly, she changed and was very concerned with me and how I was feeling. I honestly didn't know what to feel at that moment. But I was glad for the G/C as she explained it all in full detail and I felt a LOT better after leaving with her. She showed me all the percentages of everything they tested for and how they all were almost at 1%, which is good, so she wasn't concerned about those at all. She also showed me how I was at 80% risk and when all this figured into it, I jumped to 240%. That meant that every 1 in 240 pregnancies with exactly the same stats as me (same age, same kind of history, same genetics, etc.) will have a baby with downs syndrome. When she showed me the line was at 270% and that had I been below that, there wouldn't have been a "positive" reading, I was no longer concerned. If you're talking about on a scale from 1-270 and mine is 240, those are pretty good odds. ;)

My "options" were to have an amniocentesis to determine, positively, a yes or no. I declined. First, there is a 1 in 3 chance of miscarrying by having that test done. I don't like those odds- at all. Second, it wouldn't change anything for me. It's not like I would choose to do anything other than what I've always done and that is to carry the baby to term. So what is the point? I couldn't see it. The G/C felt I made the right choice and reiterated that she was totally not concerned, that the Dr's are just VERY conservative these days and were just being extra cautious. I can appreciate that.

Thankfully, when I told the Dr. I was supposed to be coming back in 2 days for an inner sono to determine the competence of my cervix, she went ahead and did it. Yay! Saved me another trip to the hospital- woo hoo! :) Cervix looked to be fine, she said. Plenty long and strong enough to hold throughout the pregnancy. The only concerned mentioned- once again- was the placenta being so low. But she said the same thing as the Dr. that first discovered it, in that it should have plenty of time to move up and out of a way.

SO... that's it for this time. It is now *official*... "J-bug" is a little "Jayleigh Sheree". Happiness! :) I have 2 girls happy about that, anyway. lol Faith is used to being the "Princess" and really doesn't appreciate the thought of having to share that title. ;)

Thanks for all your love & support!

be blessed...
Melanie & J-bug

Happy 7th Birthday, Kalann Joy! :)

For those of you who don't know, here is the story of our precious *baby butterfly*...

"You Have Touched So Many Hearts"

~ Kalann Joy ~

At the time of writing this (5/20/02), our family is in a very deep valley of emotion, grief, and- at the same time- hope. Five days ago at a routine sonogram, our baby- Kalann Joy was diagnosed (by my OB/GYN) as having "anencephaly". I looked at her with a blank look because I had never heard of this- to me it was just another medical term that I didn't understand. Unfortunately, in the days to come, I would learn all too well what it was. "Anencephaly" is a condition that basically means that when the baby is developing, at about 3-4 weeks after conception, the neural tube does not close as it should, therefore, the baby's brain does not fully develop.

There are a million ways to describe what I felt that day- disbelief, shock, grief, devastation, denial, hope.. and many more. We went to church that night because there was nowhere else I'd rather be than in the Lord's house. The baby and I got prayed over and anointed with oil and I prayed that at the sono the next day with the specialist, he would see that it wasn't true. Unfortunately, he saw the same thing, as did 3 others that viewed it. The worst was that we could see it, too. Now I wasn't just dealing with trusting what 1 Dr had diagnosed or 10 Dr's.. Jimmie and I could see that black, dark blankness above our baby's precious eyes where her little brain should be. It hit me like the world had just ended. I was devastated and began crying uncontrollably.

The day before, I had been so weakened by my emotions and Jimmie had been so strong for me- this day would be no different. I remember moments of feeling bad for him because I couldn't find it within me to be strong for him- if but for just a moment. The only time I saw him breakdown was when we told our 6-year old, Brianne, after the second sono. I had taken both of our girls out of school the day before to go see their little brother or sister on the screen. Instead of seeing the baby, they were sent out of the room and instead of being told what we were having, we were given a death sentence. It took everything within me to keep it from them 'til the next day when it was *confirmed*. Later that day we picked Brianne up from school a few minutes early to take her home and tell her. While we were at the school, we told the Principal so that they could be on the lookout for any changed behaviour at school. She said she would get the counselor to being grief counseling immediately if they noticed anything. At any rate, we brought Bri home and showed her the video of the baby's sono and then told her that the Dr's had said that the baby didn't have a brain and, therefore, she would die. Bri looked blank at first, but then it was like reality dawned and she- just like us- started trying to understand. She asked why Jesus couldn't just make her have a brain. I remember that question being the one that hit me the hardest because it was the same one that I had. How do you answer that? I told her all I knew to tell her.. I didn't know why. But even if she didn't have one on this earth, Jesus would give her one eventually and she would be perfect in heaven. Not that I believe that you need a brain in heaven, but it was what she could understand. On this earth, her baby sister could not live without a brain, but in heaven she would be able to live. I honestly don't remember all the other questions or comments that she made.. I just remember the look on her face, one that I will never forget. In her short little 6 years of life, I had never had to see that look. She was just as heartbroken as we were and it was so painful because we couldn't save her from that pain. Her Daddy absolutely fell apart at this point. To see his baby girl so torn up was too much for him to bear. We didn't even think to give her hope for a miracle or to have her pray at this point, we were just dealing with what we were told was *inevitable*. Some would question if we should've told her at all or if we should've- later- asked her to pray for a miracle. All I can say to those people is that I have always tried to be honest and upfront with my children and this wasn't the time to change that. My children understand and know that my faith and belief in God far surpasses anything that we experience on this earth and had I done any less than to have them hope and pray for a miracle, but to prepare for the worst.. I wouldn't have been true to myself or to them. They count on that from me.

Later that evening, after Faith returned from a choir competition, we told her. We also showed her the video first, we did this because we wanted the baby to be real to them- not just something in my tummy that they couldn't identify with. She cried alot, but she didn't ask questions much.. just said- over and over- how unfair it was. I had to agree. But how can we say it's not fair for us to experience this or feel the pain of losing a child when so many others have had to deal with this very same thing? What makes us so special that we should be excluded from such pain? If there's anything that I've learned in this life it's that it is NOT fair! There is no such thing as fairness. Why do some children grow up in normal, wonderful homes with great parents and other children are abused? Is that fair? What I've discovered- more than ever- is that it does no good to question why. We can ask why and I think God understands our need to question why, after all He created us.. but it doesn't mean we'll ever know why. And does it really matter to know why anyway? It won't change what is. Does the why of it really help diminish our pain? I don't think it would. *Faith* is believing when you have no reason to believe. I preach faith to my children and others, I even named my child Faith, but if I don't believe what I say I believe then my words are nothing more than lies. So I believe, I hope, I have faith. I pray for a miracle. I wake up in the middle of the night- numerous times- trying to believe that it's all a horrific dream and then it becomes real to me and I pray some more. I believe that Kalann's spirit communicates with me. She hadn't been very active at all until 2 days before the sono appt and she's been very active ever since. Coincidence? I don't think so. I felt that she was telling me something. Before I could even comprehend what the Dr was trying to get me to do by "inducing", I came home and collapsed on the bed in a heap of tears and she started moving and kicking within me. I felt like she was trying to plead with me not to *get rid of* her. Anyone who knows me knows that this would never be an option for me anyway. God put her within me and I'm her life-line right now. If God wants her, He will have to literally remove the breath from her because I refuse to. So we're in this for the long haul and, in the meantime, we'll pray furiously for a miracle. Noone can take that from me. And when it's all said and done, if God chooses not to heal her and she goes home to be with Him.. I will know that I've done all I could do.. and that's all I can do. We have alot of wonderful, loving supportive people around us.. family, friends, church family- they've all been so incredible. If you are any of them, thank you.. from the bottom of our hearts. It DOES ease some of the pain to know you are supporting us and praying for us. God, give us all strength....